Wednesday, February 29, 2012

In Need of Sleep, again

Over the past few days Landen has been getting up earlier and earlier..It started with 630 on Saturday, then 615 on Sunday, then 530 on Monday 515 yesterday and now, today, he was up at 430...Seriously..I'm exhausted! He has just seemed "too happy" last night and today.I'm thinking he might be in a manic stage right now.. He had big defiant problems this morning after I took him to partial, I guess. But he finished the day in a good place. I have no idea what is going on with him..Not a clue.. I'm exhausted trying to figure it out and I wonder if we will ever get to a good place..There always seems to be something..
I'm just frustrated...

Monday, February 27, 2012

New week here we go!

Let me give you a recap of things since day 3. Day 4 was Friday and he shut down in the afternoon, spent the rest of the day in the comfort room (aka the timeout room). They have a rule at partial that if you end the day in the comfort room, you must start there the next day..Well, that being said, it was a friday so that means Landen would start in the comfort room on Monday. Immediately, I know its going to cause problems. So we make it through the weekend. We have a few meltdowns and more tears than usual. But we survived.
Now, we are here, today, Monday. I had mentioned on Sunday night to Landen that he would have to start back in the comfort room. He responded with "I know, I know, its okay." But when I talked to him again this morning about it, he lost it. He started to cry and to take off clothes saying he's not going anywhere. So begins the battle of getting his clothes back on and talking him into getting into the car. I'm not sure how we got there, but we made it to partial. Then we get inside and I inform them of the what happened this morning and they try to talk to him.He refuses to talk to them, he covers his ears and says, "I'm not listening, I'm not listening". So we all try to talk to him but to no avail. So the therapist tells me that it would be best if I left so they could talk to him. If I feel comfortable with that. Of course I'm okay with that, it'll only get worse if I stay.
So I leave and I feel so bad for him that he is starting his day off like this. I have cried more in this last week than I have in a long time.
I have a big ball of anxiety as I'm at work waiting for the the phone call. It comes about 1pm. She tells me that  he is still refusing to talk and refusing everything. He had been sitting in the comfort room all day doing nothing. No coloring, no puzzles, no balls..Not one thing. That made me even more sad and a tad scared for how the evening was going to go.
Then at about 220 I get another phone call from the Nurse at partial. She tells me that they are all proud of Landen because he worked through it and got back to group! The doctor also is increasing his Abilify.
The rest of the afternoon and evening went smoothly. I was not expecting that. He is asleep now and I hope that he stays that way.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Day 3, meltdowns and new meds

Today wasn't as good of a day in partial as the past two. But that's okay with me. They need to see what I deal with on a daily basis. So I got a phone call about 1245 this afternoon telling me the issues that he had and that the doctor wants to change up meds. So then I talked to the nurse. The doctor wants to switch him from Risperdol, to Abilify. Normally, a med change like this would scare me, but because he is in partial, they will be able to safely handle it, if things get rough. I'm not even looking into what others say about Abilify because it makes no difference. Everyone is different.
We have been home for about an hour and 15 minutes and we have had a meltdown because the neighbor kid can't come play..We are leaving for the circus in less than a half hour..This could get interesting..

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I feel like we are just treading water..

Today will be Day 3 of partial.. I know that I shouldn't expect anything yet and I'm not really surprised by there not being any changes at home. Two days isn't enough to get a good grasp on much with complicated little bundle. What I'm not enjoying is the constant battles that I'm dealing with in the evening time. He's been more defiant and more likely to have a horrible meltdown if he doesn't get something his way or I tell him that he hast to stop doing something. Its frustrating, its exhausting and I'm not a big fan of defiance. Funny since my child has always been defiant. Its a really big pet peeve of mine.
I feel like we are just treading water..Just doing what we can to keep our heads above water. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like this might be my last breath.. I'm ready to collapse..This is so hard, emotionally. I didn't realize it would be THIS hard. I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I don't need to be extra emotional when I'm dealing with Landen's defiance and behavior. It can only get better!.....right??? Sometimes I wonder and am not so sure..

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Day 1

Partial Day 1: I was a nervous wreck. It felt like I was taking him to his first day of Kindergarten. I burst into tears when I left. Everyone that I have met so far has been wonderful but I always wonder, ya know? What goes on after I leave??? The day seemed to go so slow. I waited for the phone to ring but it never did. I went to pick him up at three and he was so happy! He was hyper (since they don't do any kind of physical activity) but in a super good mood! We talked some in the car about how his day was. He said that they talked to him a lot there. Which is a good thing. He seemed to enjoy it and he wants to go back. I'd call that success..One day of success at a time!

Monday, February 20, 2012

We begin partial hospitalization

Tomorrow, February 21st, Landen starts partial care. He will be going to a clinic for 6 hours a day instead of school. For 5 hours he will be doing nothing but different kinds of therapy. I was enlightened greatly when we were having our assessment interview today. I had no idea that my son felt that low about himself or had thoughts like he does. I feel horrible. I cannot even imagine..I'm nervous and scared for this change but I know, in my heart, this is what he needs.
I was so nervous to go today and when we walked in, I seen a familiar face! A surprise familiar face at that! It was a mom of two children that I used to take care of at my job!!! They don't come there any more since they are both old enough for school. I think it was God's way of helping me relax; giving me someone that I "knew" to help make me feel more safe. God has a good way of putting just the right people in your life when you need them! I'm glad that she will be one of the therapists taking care of my son. Makes me worry a little less. I pray this is what he needs. He knows what is going on and is actually excited about it. I hope it lasts!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The day has arrived.

Tomorrow (Monday) is the day that we have Landen's appointment for partial. I'm not sure why I have such HUGE anxiety about this. I can't wrap my head about what I'm feeling. I don't know if its because this is a step closer to hospitalization or if it is just something new. I'm exhausted when it comes to dealing with the mood swings and waiting for the meltdown.. I know this needs to be done but it sucks and its hard. It's like seeing a door you know you need to go through but you are scared shitless to do it..I don't know what tomorrow will bring, all I know is that it is in God's hands, not mine.

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Thursday, February 16, 2012

I think we have a hit!

We seen a new therapist today! I feel very comfortable with this one. Landen liked him. He was very good. Landen was in a strange mood and was acting goofy/weird and this guy just rolled with it. He was accepting that it was probably nerves from meeting someone new in a new place. I've got homework to do til our next meeting which isn't until next month but its a start! I'm hoping that this is the start of good things to come!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Finally!!! We are getting somewhere!!!

Finally, all the hard work and persistence is paying off! We have an appointment this coming Thursday with a therapist, then an appointment on the 20th for partial hospitalization to regulate meds and then on the 12th of March, an appointment with a new psychiatrist! Finally, I feel as if I can take a breath for a second..

Friday, February 3, 2012

When he cries, he pours..

Yesterday was an interesting day for the boy. School, impromptu bowling and a lot of homework!!!! Usually he might have 15-20 minutes of homework, if that. Last night, because he's had problems at school all week, he had 3 math assignments and Social studies to do!! Took him at least an hour to get it done!! For those who are around ADHD kids in the evening know this is not a small feat!!!! Well, after homework, he was getting tired from his meds, he wanted to play on the PS3, which was his reward for getting his homework done. He was playing and got upset because he wasn't winning. I had given him a time to stop and it was getting close..One thing led to another and he was in full blown rage..Well, we dealt with that and after that he always cries..So the crying begins. I'm hugging him while he's full of emotions. He starts telling me that he will never grow up to have a house because he won't have enough money. I say, sure you will! You are going to make lots of money! He says no i won't I have a funny looking face. Then he proceeded to tell me about the kids who make fun of his face in the bathroom. Then he tells me that he will never have any friends because they pick on him and won't play with him on the playground. Then he tells me that he will never have a good job because one of the girls in his class makes fun of how he says his "r" sounds. I tried doing the mommy thing and telling him that none of that stuff is true but it made things worse, he just kept sobbing and sobbing. This went on for quite a while before he calmed down enough to function.
This just breaks my heart and we are only in second grade. If the teasing in second grade makes him feel like he is going to be a failure at life now, I can't imagine as he gets older..Sometimes, home schooling doesn't seem like a bad idea.
I'm not sure what to do. I emailed the school psychologist and his teacher to let them know, I'm not sure if this is what is causing some of his anxiety issues or not but I wanted them to be aware of what was going on. This is one of those things, that as a mom, you hate to have to deal with..Kids are mean!!!