Wednesday, December 26, 2012

We ALMOST made it!!!!!

At 2:25pm on December 21st, I got the call..The call I've been expecting every day this school year but never got. It was the teacher leader from Landen's school. Landen was having a meltdown. I didn't get all the details til we were on our way home. But, he missed out on his Christmas Party :-( When I got to the school, he was in the boring room. I went in to talk to him. He was sobbing on the floor, under the desk. I ask him what happened and he tells me that So and so and so and so always get him in trouble. He then tells me that he won't leave until he gets to take home the stuff from the party. I go to his class to talk to his teacher. She is super upset that he had a meltdown and didn't get to participate in the party. We talked about what happened and the kids involved.
It was a pretty messed up day and you know how he thrives on routine..There was no routine..Actually, the entire week was messed up with his teacher being gone on Tuesday and then a snow day on Thursday and finishing up with a party on Friday. Apparently he overheard someone talking about him to a fellow classmate so he spoke up to that child..Said child told Landen to be quiet, no one was talking to him. He got mad and said well, you're talking about me so I can talk to you..she said no, you can't so Landen proceeded to push her..Another classmate tried to stop Landen from pushing her and then Landen turned on him. This is all happening during a 6th grade/staff volleyball game, by the way..A teacher steps in and separates Landen from this other child..Landen gets angry and leaves the gym, proceeds to go to his classroom and completely destroys it..He flipped all the desks and tables in the room and tore stuff off the wall. He hasn't had an outburst that bad in a very long time.
But, it was the last day before break so we ended with positive thoughts and will be moving on come the new year at school. It sucked that it had to happen and that he had to miss out on something fun because two kids know how to push his buttons and he hasn't learned the coping skills to deal with it..

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Student of the What?!?!?!

I got the heads up a couple weeks ago. His resource teacher told me that she picked him. I smiled to myself and didn't say a word. Then last Friday, in the weekly newsletter, there is his name under "STUDENTS OF THE MONTH" I am absolutely proud of him!! This is HUGE!!!! NEVER did I ever think that he would be student of anything!!! He didn't seem to be excited at all. Go figure!!! I got a call from the Teacher Leader telling me about it. They had an awards assembly and he was given an award in front of everyone!!! Also his picture taken to hang on the wall!!! Yesterday he got into the car and said "You'll never guess what is in my backpack" I started guessing all kinds of funny things. He said NO! You will never guess! Just wait and see. So when we got to my parents house (it was my brother's birthday so we went to visit him), I pulled out the award and ribbon that he got!! LOVE IT!!! I'm going to buy a frame and hang it on the wall. This is huge news in our house!!!
He's been having meltdowns at home but he's been awesome in school. I guess if I had to choose a place for him to melt, it would be home and not school. But it's not pretty and it wears my patience. Such is life I guess. We will just keep going, one day at a time and one foot in front of the other..

Monday, October 1, 2012

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've made a post. I apologize for that. It's funny how when things are going wrong, we are so quick to talk about it but when things are going well, we tend to dismiss it. Things have been uneventful and I'm thankful for that. There have only been a few little issues, nothing big. I'm thankful for the nice weather so lots of energy is burned outside. We have stopped OT for now, getting him there was just too much for me to handle. He wasn't challenged enough, I don't think so he was getting bored. Maybe sometime down the road he will want/need to go back but as for now, we have stopped going. He is starting soccer this coming weekend. I'm excited about that. I hope he is too. Otherwise, not too much else going on around here..Thankful for the calm..we all know the storm isn't too far away..

Sunday, September 2, 2012

What do I say?

Most of the time, I fight the good fight..I battle with others over the well being of my son. I inform them about his way of thinking and his personality. Sometimes I get through and sometimes I don't. Most of the time I don't care either way, unless you are going to have daily interaction with my son. Then you  better get it..YOU better change the way you think about him because he's not. I'm not saying give in to everything he wants and accept the meltdowns but learn that the meltdowns are caused by something. Whether it be a sensory overload or not understanding what is going on and not being able to "handle" it. Sometimes it is because he doesn't have the coping skills to handle the things "normal" kids do.
What do I say to those people who think that I'm not doing a good job and they are family?  What do I tell them when they don't think I'm doing enough or that I'm playing favorites.
I know that I'm trying and doing the best I can RIGHT NOW. It might not be the best I have tomorrow or the next day but for right now, it's what I got. I'm still learning everyday, and the knowledge I'm gaining will help me tomorrow.
I'm not sure what I can say to those who think that I'm doing it wrong or not doing enough. They don't walk in my shoes on a daily basis..They might get a glimpse of what I deal with when they spend time with him but it's not an everyday thing. What they see is only a portion. Sure, my attitude and patience would be better if I only had to deal with it for a little while, not 24/7.
I think that I will just keep my mouth shut and wait for the right words and the right time to express how I feel.

Friday, August 31, 2012

One of those days

Today has been one of those days for Landen. He's battling allergies so he spends a lot of the night coughing. Then was really "tired" this morning and didn't want to go to school. But we got through it, got to school in a good mood AND on time (BONUS!!!) I get a phone call at about 3pm today saying that Landen got into an argument with another student in his class. He got angry and left. *First thought was PHEW! Glad he didn't hit them! Well after he left, he ran around the building (inside) 10 times (according to him) and he ended up on the playground. The resource teacher was with him, thank goodness! They talked, he came back in and finished the day on a good note. We talked about what happened, as much as he would talk to me about it and I got the rest of the information from the teacher about what happened.
He was "moody" when I picked him up and continued that pattern all night. There was a neighborhood game of touch football going on and everyone was playing well together until Landen is screaming and crying and destroying the house. Someone stripped the ball from him. He had a horrible meltdown. So in order to distract him from them still outside playing, I asked him if he wanted to go get ice cream. He said yes so we left to go to Burger King. While we are in the drive through he starts crying again and saying that he's not good at sports. Then it turned into that he's not good at anything and he's dumb and stupid.
It hurts more than I can ever express to hear my child call himself dumb and not be able to "fix it" immediately. There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your child in so much pain and not being able to do anything about it.
We had ice cream and he sat on the porch and watched the guys finish playing. When he came inside, he apologized for throwing things. He's asleep now and I hope has a good night of sleep. I love him dearly and I made sure that I told him that he is great at a lot of things. He's good at making people laugh and he's great at  Math. He is a great kid. If he only realized that..

Friday, August 24, 2012

A blip on the radar

On Wednesday, 7 days into the school year, I got the first dreaded phone call from school. (Insert sigh here). The teacher leader proceeds to tell me what was going on. Landen has a lunch box that has an attached water bottle (wonderful for getting him to drink water!). Well apparently the lid came open and it spilled all over his lunch box. None of his food got wet but it was enough to completely shut down his world. He refused to eat his lunch (which, honestly, isn't uncommon) and when going back to his class, he "collapsed" in the hallway. I have this in quotes because he did it on purpose. He had been laying in the middle of the 3rd grade floor for about 45 minutes when they called me.
This was different than all the other times he had shut down at school. This time he wasn't violent. He wasn't physical, loud or destroying things! He was just laying there. He was responsive to their questions and being polite. He just didn't want to go back to class.
That may not sound good to you but that is HUGE in my world. He had a non-violent meltdown!!! I LOVE it!!! That is the best news I've heard in a while. Although, I'd much rather not have the dreaded call from school BUT if it had to be anything, I'd choose this.
It was an unforeseen issue that happened..A bump in the road, a blip on the radar but we survived. We decided that the best thing to do is tell him that the resource officer (police officer) would be coming to help him if he didn't get up himself. The staff at the school is not allowed by law to touch him unless he becomes a danger to himself or others (frustrating for me because I'm fine if they want to move my son). So as soon as they told him that he was going to be visited by the officer, he changed his mind and went back to class.
That ended that. It could've been worse. I'm glad it wasn't..I'm glad that was it. Now, on to the next challenge of the day!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Simplicity

I got to witness the true meaning of happiness in life tonight. This picture was taken at our city's children's museum Autism Night. The children's museum is not usually someplace that we go because of the noise and crowd factor. But tonight, it was all awesome kids like my own. Its wasn't too busy at all. Landen was completely enthralled with the "water bubble" and spent countless minutes trying to figure it out. Then he found a toy in the water that captivated him. This picture is what childhood bliss looks like in our world. He tuned out everything around him and played in the water with that penguin for at least 20 minutes, if not longer. I sat back on a bench and watched him play. He was so happy and carefree. That is not a side of Landen that I get to see very often. As I sat then and watched him, I just smiled. That is what life is all about. Taking time to enjoy the little things..Enjoying them with your children. Taking time to stop and look at water bubbles. Trying to figure out how it works.
I was entranced by watching him play. That is another thing, he doesn't do much playing like that on his own, ever. So to see that was amazing. It's times like these that make me completely thankful for my life.
I love him. I love that he can teach me such beautiful things like simplicity and happiness.
I never knew that a tub full of water, a water bubble and  a plastic penguin could make someone so happy. This was one lesson that I was extremely grateful to learn.

Name Change

So yeah, I 'm a few months behind on noting this one..But obviously, I changed the name of my blog..Although Beautiful Bipolar Nightmare flows so much better, I didn't want to leave the Asperger's out of it as it seems to have "taken over" for now. So I decided to give it  its due and put it in the Title. When people come to my blog I want them to know what I am talking about (not that I get people visiting my blog very often but one can be hopeful).

*Update..Because the DSM will be changing and getting rid of the "Asperger" title, I am changing the name of my blog again..look for it soon..

Autism and Asperger Conference

I had an opportunity to go to an Autism and Asperger Conference put on by Future Horizons (click here). The Keynote speaker was Temple Grandin. She was amazing! If you do not know about Temple, please take a few moments to look her up. Temple Grandin Website  She is amazing and honestly, a hero to everyone affected by autism. She IS autistic and has a Ph.D. She is brilliant, funny and passionate. She spoke for an hour and a half straight and it was amazing. I wish she could have talked longer. It's like having an inside look into the world of Landen. She had such good advice. And I learned a few thing too! (Go figure).

The second speaker was Beth Aune, OTR/L. She's an occupational therapist and so much more. She talked about all the different sensory systems in our body and how they all work together. When one or more of those systems isn't functioning how it should be, it causes problems. She talked about how sounds, smells, touches can all affect our spectrum kids differently. One of the "big" points that she made was "Not all children with a sensory processing disorder has autism but all children with autism have sensory issues." Then she talked about "what" they are doing, why they are doing it and if it's bothering anybody else. We need to think about why they are doing certain things. They may be trying to keep themselves engaged in what the class is doing, they may have some anxiety or they might just need to move. It's not going to hurt them to let them get up walk around the room and then sit back down. As long as they are getting their work done, it's okay. I think that taking on this way of thinking is extremely important. It happens so much that I am bothered by what Landen is doing but no one else is. I need to realize that he just might be trying to stay engaged and with me. I bought a couple of books about behaviors and classroom solutions. I'm excited to read it and to give ideas to his teachers! Read about Beth here.

The 3rd speaker was Dr. Jim Ball. He has a book called "Early Intervention & Autism". I almost passed up this book because of its title. Another good reason to not judge a book by its cover!!! It's all about different learning techniques and strategies that can help teach children the social skills and skills that they will need in life. These stragaties are not just for kids on the Spectrum. They are wonderful for teaching ALL kids. I'm excited to get started on his book as well. Here is his website http://www.jbautismconsulting.com/

This was 6 hours of intense information. I learned so much I was swimming. I'm excited to help Landen move to the next level. I've learned that some of the things that I do are not helping him but hindering him in the long run. I will be changing that. I will be helping him grow instead if making him stay in the same place.

Friday, August 17, 2012

4 days down, 276 left to go!!

FIRST WEEK SUCCESS!!!! He had a great week! Not any problems and they are already learning cursive letters!! He actually seems to be enjoying that part of it. I got a email from his teacher about how he is doing well, always working and staying on task.
He's brought home homework 2 days this week already also! They just jump right back into it!
 I can't help but be excited for this. I sit on the edge of enjoying this and waiting for the cookie to crumble. I KNOW it will, I'm pretty sure that at some point it will. I just don't know when. It's all a waiting game.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

3rd Grade Success!!! Well at least the first day anyways..

I can't say that I "forgot" the feeling of sitting on the edge of my seat all day and jumping every time the phone rang, we will just call it selective memory blocking. I had an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach all day yesterday and I know it was because it was the first day of school for the boy. He was in a great mood when he woke up, ate breakfast, got dressed. Not a problem! When we got to school, he didn't want me to go in with him, which is fine. He's a big boy now and it saved me the tears.
All day went by, no phone call. Get to school to pick him up and he is all smiles, got a Popsicle and his teacher said he was great! He was busy all day long!
I hope it continues all year (one can be VERY hopeful right?).
Now, on to day two!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Almost time for 3rd grade!

On Friday, we went for a special visit to meet Landen's 3rd grade teacher.  She seems super duper nice and was really open to the suggestions that I had and his 2nd grade teacher who was nice enough to join us also. I'm still nervous for 3rd grade, as I always am and always will be. After the Sneek a Peek night, I'll know who is in his class and hopefully it is someone that he knows.
I'm very thankful that we are in a district that is so proactive about his school success. I love it! I'm so glad that I changed districts!
Now, I don't even want to get started on what he will be learning in 3rd grade...cursive..oy...That's a blog for another day!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Countdown to Back to School

12 days. In 12days, he goes back to school. I'm nervous. I'm not sure how he feels yet, we haven't really talked about it. This week we are starting to get back in a routine and by next week, he will be in the routine full swing. Tomorrow, we are going to school to meet his new teacher. We all decided in his IEP meeting that getting to meet the teacher 1 on 1 before the sneak a peek night would be best, that way we have no distractions.
I'm very nervous about this school year. I'm not completely sure why. I'm worried about who will be in his class and what is going to happen. I know that I need to focus on today and not anything passed that but sometimes it hard to not look at the big picture when it comes to school.
We will take it one day at a time and be proactive, just as we were last year and see what happens. Until then, 12 more days..

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day

Father's Day around here is becoming quite hard. First off, Landen has now realized that Lily's dad is not his dad and that he doesn't have a dad. It sucks. I don't know how to explain it to him at this point. I'm not quite sure what to say. So he made his grandpa a card because its really the closest thing he has..It seems that the men in his life don't "get" him so they push him away. I get sad and mad and frustrated because this isn't what  I wanted for him, this isn't how I wanted his life to be. I don't think that he would've turned out any different in the aspect of all his disorders and whatnot but I wonder if he would be better at sports or anything "guy" like..
Days like today make me very thankful and appreciative of my own dad, who is there for both Landen and I. I don't know what I would do without him.
Sometimes I wonder, if my son would have been neurotypical, would I still be in the same lonely situation??

Over everything

I wish that I could say that everything goes smoothly on some occasions or that there are times when I can stop holding my breath in waiting for the meltdown to occur. Well, at this point, I can't. Last night the neighbors where having a party and there were lots of people (adults and kids). Landen and my brother came home and wanted to play basketball with the other 8 or so people playing. Landen was in a bad mood anyways because apparently my mom wasn't getting him home fast enough so he was screaming and crying in the backseat. So of course, when the get here, he and my brother get into a fight within 10minutes. So here we go again! Trying to break up the fight, Landen trying to beat up my brother while my brother trying to hold his ground. Then Landen tries to "run away" by running down the street. He's all mad and wants my brother off his hoop. I finally get things settled down and everyone is okay to play again. So the night goes on and they have fun playing basketball, football and some playful boxing. Then everyone came inside and watched some TV. it was getting late, 940ish or so and Landen was playing on the computer. At some point after 10 the cheese roll ups he had were cold and he wanted them heated up. Well, it got heated up a little too much and the cheese boiled out. He didn't want it. He wanted to go back to taco bell for new ones. He proceeded to have a huge meltdown and crying and throwing and whatnot. He was over everything..Overtired, over stimulated, over hot, over hungry..It's exhausting. He calmed down and went to bed shortly after his meltdown but I wonder if earlier in the evening, things hadn't been so loud and crazy, if he would've reacted that way. I guess its one of those things that I will never know..At least not right now anyways.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

A Walk for Mental Illness Awareness Followed by a Complete mental breakdown

Today was the NAMI Walk 2012.  It was a great day for a walk! We all had a great time! Landen had a small issue at first with not wanting to walk because he was tired..which, in his defense, we had a busy day yesterday and a late night..But after chilling with grandpa for a while, he was willing to walk and he and my dad even ran through the finish line together *smile* It was kinda funny because as we were just starting our walk, a man asked my mom what we were walking for. She said "Mental Health!" He said "Mental health, huh? I've got mental health issues! Can I walk with you?" So he joined in the walk with us! He is homeless and has borderline Schizophrenia. He walked the whole way with the group! When we left, he was sitting and talking with someone from the Salvation Army. I hope that tonight he has a bed to sleep in.
Later on that day, the reason that we walked started having issues. He got mad that he lost on the game he was playing and he blamed my brother; who had done nothing wrong, but he just happened to be in the room at the time. That led to a 3 hour long meltdown. It was one thing after another after another! Sometimes I wish that I would think about video taping his meltdowns so others can get a glimpse of what really goes on. It's not a lack of discipline or a choice (most of the time) for these kiddos, it just happens and there isn't much that can stop it. I had to carry him back from down the street, physically restrain him quite a few times in the house to keep him from hitting and throwing things. After the 3 hours, it was like a light switch..He was done and it was over..
Now we  are fine and are sleeping. I hope that he gets very good rest because he needs it tonight!


Saturday, May 26, 2012

I'm trying

Im trying to see things differently for him. I'm trying to look
at the "bright side" of things. Instead of seeing differences, I'm seeing cute little quirks. I know there are times that I've got to bend him, bend him enough where he thinks he's going to break but then he will see that the world doesn't end if something goes a different way. I'm also letting things go. So what if he wants to listen to the same song over and over for an hour straight? Who's he hurting? NO ONE..and its okay! If he is happy, then I'm happy. 
Its one day at a time, one event at a time..If we can get through one day, we can get through 5. It will be okay, maybe not the "okay" I was expecting but we will be okay, in some sense of the word. I love him. I love him more than I could ever imagine loving someone or something. When he hurts, I hurt. When he cries, I cry. When he's in pain, I'm in pain. I hate that he has to struggle and that he will always be different but at the same time, I'm thrilled that my kid may pave a way for others to go down a path that is different and that he will help them know that being "different" is good! Its not something bad and that just because you see the world in a different way doesn't mean you are weird. We need more people in the world to look at things differently. He has already taught me to look at the world differently and for that I'm so very grateful.  So for his sake, I'm trying my best to keep seeing things differently..Not at problems but as solutions to things that i had never thought of..Together, we can do great things!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Happy 8th Birthday!!

Dear Landen,
   Today is your 8th birthday. You had school today so we took cupcakes. They announced your birthday over the intercom and you got a cool magic pencil from the school as a present. This has been a year full of ups and downs, even more so than last year but one thing I know for sure hasn't changed a bit; my love for you. Even when I'm driven to the end of my rope and I think that I have no more to give you and that I can't do it anymore, you give me a reason to keep going. Everyday you find a very unique way to bring joy and happiness into my life. Although you may not know it now but you are a very unique and special kiddo that has taught me to never give up and never back down. There is always a reason to fight and stand up for what I believe in and for what is right, even if it is different than what everyone else thinks. Together we can pioneer our way down a new path that no one has traveled and it will be a wonderful experience given to us by a wonderful God.
I thank God everyday for you. That you force me to stop and be thankful for the little things, to see the world outside of the box. If only everyone could experience the joy that comes from the struggles that we face everyday.
Everyday you amaze me. The things you do, the things you overcome, the goals you have, the ideas you share. You strive every day to make me smile and laugh and show me the love you can. Same with your sister, she loves you so much and looks up to you. I know that as people learn your story and see what you can do, they will be amazed, just as I am.
I could not ask for a better kid. You bring so much joy and happiness into my life. Thank you for making me look at things differently. Thank you for making me into the woman and mom that I am today. Without you, I wouldn't be the kind of person I am.
I am so proud to be your momma!!!
I love you so very much! More than you could ever imagine, to the moon and back again, beyond the planets and the stars..You are my everything!! I love you sweetheart!
Happy 8th Birthday!!!
Love,
 Momma :-)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Drum roll please......

Wednesday, Landen went through 3 hours of testing with a neuropsychologist. Friday, I found out the results..Well only part of the results, we spent an hour and a half together discussing things and never actually got around to talking about all the tests and their results. But we got the main thing out of the way..What do the tests mean for Landen...You ready? He has Asperger's Syndrome or AS. Here is a link if you want more information: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/detail_asperger.htm
This doesn't change much in the medication area but it will change the services and the help that he receives.
I'm not surprised..In fact, I brought it up to a therapist when he was in kindergarten. She told me no because he makes eye contact. The doctor we seen says yes, kids on the Spectrum can make eye contact, in fact, they can make eye contact for so long that they forget to blink and can make the others uncomfortable. It's a huge deficit in social awareness, situations and skills. One sided conversations, not listening to what others are saying, not understanding teasing or sarcasm, saying hurtful things because they do not understand empathy or emotions similar to that. We talked about a bunch of stuff regarding his sensitivities to the outside world. He gets so distracted by outside "noise"; ie; kids talking, a clock ticking, a tapping of a pencil, the heater or air conditioner running, all those things that we do not think about, Landen hears and has a hard time drowning out of his mind. So he's hearing all of those things plus trying to focus on his teacher and school work. It would be very frustrating!!! So even though this is the end of the school year, a new journey begins with us. Now we are going to go down the Asperger road. Easier in one way yet harder in another.


Monday, April 30, 2012

Answers and more questions

Landen's meeting went wonderful! Everyone was very positive and understanding and answered my questions completely. The plan for him is excellent and I'm confident in the care he will be getting, even in 3rd grade. I'm not sure what the future holds for him but I do know that he will be getting all the support he can. I met his special education teacher today also and she is amazing. She is super nice and has so many things in common with Landen, they have really got a strong bond already and that doesn't happen often. I have confidence in them.
To get to an IEP, there are many tests that are done and criteria that needs to be met. During the testing that is done, Landen's scores make it very likely that he is on the Autism Spectrum. But that being said, they do not have the ability to test him further to verify..Because he has so many other disorders that have similar "symptoms" its hard to tell what is caused by what and there is that chance that he is on the spectrum and he might be misdiagnosed with something else. This is where the waiting game starts again because I'm waiting for the neuropsychologist to call me back telling me that the insurance has approved for testing.
So, the testing didn't really answer any of my questions but its a place to start.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Meeting of the Minds

Tomorrow I have Landen's meeting to set up his IEP and go over the testing that they did on him. I'm nervous because I'm not sure what is going to happen or what is going to be said and I'm relieved that we are finally going to be helping him in school. Like my last post stated, we have good days and bad days. I'm thankful for the good days and work hard to stay positive during the bad days.
The week before last, he had a great week! No issues at all! Then came Monday and I had to go in to get him because he was having a meltdown in music. He loves music! But what happened was they had to fill out a sheet for a field trip they were going to be taking on Tuesday, One of the questions was very broad and he didn't know how to answer it. Instead he shut down and started refusing things. Once we got it figured out, he was fine. Had a great rest of his week! Sometimes, just when I think I get him figured out, something new happens to stir things up again.
I'm a tad nervous about this meeting also because I've never experienced anything like this and I don't want to end up on the chopping block. I hope that I get the answers that I need about the services for him. I will try to make a post tomorrow after the meeting.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

More than just one good day!

We had a good week at school!!! It was awesome! No phone calls, no emails, no staying after school. It was wonderful! On Tuesday we met with his psychologist who, after talking with me about what has been going on, decided that maybe we needed to try a different ADHD medicine..You know how I feel about med changes in school but I felt comfortable with this decision. So the next morning, we started Adderall. Things were quiet the rest of the week. I emailed the teacher and asked her if she had noticed a difference and she said that he seemed to be focusing more and that he wasn't having to leave the classroom as often and they were really working with him on asking for help. These are all huge steps! I'm excited and glad that he had a good week. Friday after school he had a huge meltdown because he wanted a kid from school to come over for a playdate. I sent a note to school for this kids mom to call or text me and I haven't heard anything yet. Landen is really upset about it. I'm trying to ignore those thoughts in the back of my mind that tell me that they don't want their kid playing with mine, who I'm sure they have heard all about. And probably not good things either. It hurts that he suffers in that way. I'm not taking the good times for granted because, as we all know, it could fall apart tomorrow. But for now, I will relish in the fact that we accomplished one whole week of school with no problems!!!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Exhausted!!!

My cheeks sting from tears..Landen had a terrible morning! He was on Spring break all last week. I didn't give it much thought, actually. I didn't think that when it was time to go back that he would have issues with it. He was supposed to start back yesterday but he was sick Sunday night into Monday. So I kept him home from school and took him to the doctor. He has a bad sinus infection.
So back to this morning. 730am comes and its time for him to wake up. I start waking him up and immediately he starts in with "I'm not going to school today!!" We went back and forth for an hour before I got him off the couch to get his clothes on. I kept asking him why he didn't want to go to school. He tells me the same things over and over: "It's boring! I hate school! I don't want to go! Its too loud!" I'm not sure what to do with any of these things he tells me. I tell him that sometimes we all have to do things that we don't like and his job is to be at school. He doesn't seem to care. So I try taking things away, the PS3, Basketball, he always says "That's fine, I'll do blah blah blah instead". He doesn't seem to care if I take things away or any kind of consequence for that matter.
So after we got his clothes on, he refused to take his medicine. He knows that if he doesn't take his meds, we don't leave the house. So that was another 15 minute battle all while screaming at him that he hates me and he doesn't want to go to school. I repeatedly told him that we would go talk to the Mrs. M. the school psychologist.
So we finally get into the car at just the time school is starting. When we get there, he says he's not staying and not doing anything all day. He actually walked into the school with me, which I thought he wouldn't do. We go to talk to the psychologist about him not wanting to be there. We tried to entice him with many different options but he said NO to everything. So we got the Teacher Leader who went into the boring room with him and said that he could help him with some school papers. He said no. I practically had to drag him into the room and left him there kicking and screaming and yelling.
I left in tears and called my mom at work.
We had gone for about 30 minutes when I got a phone call from the school. It was Mrs. M. She told me that Landen was still in the boring room but he wasn't getting violent, which is HUGE! But was refusing to do anything. I got another phone call at about 1130 and it was her again telling me that before 10am, he went back to class. The teacher leader said it was like a light bulb going off and he just wanted to go to class ( I have no idea what happened there) She said they had checked on him several times and he was doing fine.
I'm glad he is doing fine and back in class.
I can't help but still be heartbroken and wonder when he is going to fall to pieces again...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The week in review

This past week was crazy. I had no time to do much it seemed. Monday was Landen's first day back at school. Monday afternoon we had an appointment with a new psychiatrist. Tuesday, second day back, not a very good day for him and I had a different appointment with a neuropsychologist. Wednesday, we had a therapy appointment in the morning, then I took him to school, even worse day and that afternoon; parent teacher conferences. Thursday, there was no school and I had a therapy appointment for my daughter.
He doesn't want to be at school. He wants to be back at partial. He doesn't want to do school because he says it stupid. But he's not listening to directions in order to do the assignments. Wednesday afternoon, I had parent teacher conferences. It went really well, actually, for him not being there for 3 weeks. Also in my conference was the school's principle, counselor and psychologist. We talked about what we thought would work for Landen. We want to praise him for the good things and make him want to be there.
I'm going to back track..Sorry, this is my brain these days..Tuesday afternoon, I had an appointment with a neuropsychologist to start testing for an IEP. She was super nice and we talked about a lot of things that I've been wondering about that she brought up in conversation just listening to me talk about Landen. It'll be interesting to see what happens with the testing.
Needless to say, my head is spinning after the week I've had.. Here's to hoping next week is better, or at least slows down some!
image borrowed from www.familiesonlinemagazine.com

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

We survived!!!

The first day back at school was a success!!! It was slow going at first but we finally made it to school. He told me he wasn't going to go to class. I told him that we just needed to get to school. So we got to school and we went inside to talk to the school psychologist. After talking with her for a few minutes, the counselor came over and we asked him about going upstairs to his class. He said he wanted me to come with him, so  I did. Once we got upstairs his teacher seen us coming and came up and gave him a great big hug and told him that she had missed him and she was glad that he was back. The class was at Spanish so it was just us in the classroom. I'm very thankful for that! It gave us time to talk and for him to get comfortable again. She went over a behavior chart for him and talked to him about the rewards that he could earn from having good behavior. He decided on some rewards and she told him that it was time for her to go get the class. He sat down at his desk and took out his math book. I said my goodbyes and we left. I didn't get a a phone call at all and when I picked him up early for his new psych appointment, he was all smiles! He had a great day!!! We are looking forward to Tuesday. That, he told me is P.E. day!!!

Monday, March 12, 2012

We're going back, back to school today!

And let me tell ya, Landen is less than thrilled about it. He has burst into tears twice this morning about it and on and off all day yesterday about going to school. He doesn't want to to. He wants to go to partial. He feels comfortable there. He doesn't feel comfortable at school. I feel so bad for the poor kid. I know he must be anxious. I'm just praying that I can get him up and going, it'll be easier once we actually get up and motivated.. I've already told him that we are staying until he is settled and that I'm picking him up early but it doesn't seem to matter. Let see if I can calm him enough to outweigh his fear..

Friday, March 9, 2012

D-Day is coming soon, Monday to be exact..

I had another care meeting with the psychiatrist at partial today. Landen is doing very well. His moods seem to be regulated better and he isn't has unstable. He's become a "model student" at partial (surprising, I know). His Tegretol levels are 9, which is great. So, we start talking about discharging him (D-day) from partial. We both decided that since he has such issues with transitioning that half day school/half day partial wouldn't be beneficial to him. She also suggested that starting back on a Friday can be beneficial because its only one day before the weekend, then back on Monday. So we agreed that he would start school tomorrow, on Friday. We bring him into the room, talk to him about how he's doing and talk to him about school. He instantly loses it. He doesn't want to go back to school, he wants to stay at partial. He leaves the room and is having a royal tantrum outside of the room..Kind of ironic that we were just talking about how good he has been doing..
The doctor says that what he is feeling is normal. He's scared and anxious, he hasn't been at school in 3 whole weeks. He feels comfortable at partial. When talking with him before he left the room, he asked "What if I get mad again at school? Then what?" We talked to him about the new techniques he has learned while in partial to handle his anger. He responds with, "But its different at school."
I totally understand. I'm comfortable with him at partial too. I don't worry about him having outbursts and being punished for his behavior that he cannot control. I've got a big ball of anxiety about him going back to school also. I leave partial with lots of anxiety and I'm in tears because he's not doing well. Am I doing the right thing? Should I wait another day? Should I do partial days at both places? I just don't know.
I get to work and I have to make a couple of phone calls. First is to Landen's school. I talk with the principle to tell her that Landen will be coming back to school on Friday. She tells me that his teacher is gone for a death in her family so there will be a sub on Friday. Instantly, I knew that it would not be a good idea for him to go back for the first day with a sub. So I called partial back and talked to them about it, as he was still having a meltdown about leaving. The doctor agreed with me about not starting on Friday. We want as little changes as possible for him. So he will start back to school on Monday.
He eventually got over and if you ask him now, he had a wonderful day! He's excited to go back to school on  Monday and I'm happy for him as well. Of course, I'm nervous as I am sure that he is too.
Once we leave partial, it isn't all back to "normal". There are more appointments with other doctors that we need to make and to go to to continue his care. I'm working on getting him an IEP. I think that he will only benefit from it, not only if he has bipolar issues again but for some other issues going on as well.
We are getting back on a track that isn't so full of turmoil and I'm happy about that, yet I can't help but think, 'how long is this going to last?" I just need to enjoy it while I can.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Away with the new and back to the old

So the doctor decided to take him off of the Abilify and put him back onto the Risperdal and upped his Tegretol. So we are on the same medications that we were on when we went to the partial program and now have added more of the Bipolar medication. So far we haven't had a bad weekend. Nothing too bad. Maybe, just maybe, this was the adjustment that needed to be made. We will see how the next few days of partial go and take it from there..
Here's to hoping..

Thursday, March 1, 2012

When the therapists feel bad for your kid, what comes next?

So this morning Landen had a full cycle of emotions..We went from snuggling to him being pissed off about going to partial, calling himself dumb and then getting all pissed off again because the Playstation network was down this morning. Then he was in tears sobbing..Just like that (insert finger snap) he rolled over off the floor and asked me a question like nothing had been going on..This all happened before 8am..
We go to partial and he is fine when I drop him off. My mom has been picking him up for me so I don't have to leave work a half hour early since I'm a half hour late getting there everyday..
I got a call from the partial nurse and the doctor wants blood work done tomorrow morning (insert motherly  sigh). So, the fun begins, nothing to eat or drink after midnight. That should be fun! They are checking his CBC, Tegretol levels, Thyroid levels and doing a Fasting Lipids test.
The doctor also wants to ween him off of his Abilify and back onto the Risperdal. He's not doing well on it..Mood swings like crazy and a big ball of emotions..
When my mom went to pick him up today, they told her that they feel so bad for him because his moods are all over the place. They said he has all different emotions all day long and has no control over any of them.
Nice..So what do you do when the therapists feel bad for your kid? I don't know..We haven't gotten that far..
So we are going back to square one..Back to where we started..And I guess we will start over and go from there..Lets see where this takes us the second time..

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

In Need of Sleep, again

Over the past few days Landen has been getting up earlier and earlier..It started with 630 on Saturday, then 615 on Sunday, then 530 on Monday 515 yesterday and now, today, he was up at 430...Seriously..I'm exhausted! He has just seemed "too happy" last night and today.I'm thinking he might be in a manic stage right now.. He had big defiant problems this morning after I took him to partial, I guess. But he finished the day in a good place. I have no idea what is going on with him..Not a clue.. I'm exhausted trying to figure it out and I wonder if we will ever get to a good place..There always seems to be something..
I'm just frustrated...

Monday, February 27, 2012

New week here we go!

Let me give you a recap of things since day 3. Day 4 was Friday and he shut down in the afternoon, spent the rest of the day in the comfort room (aka the timeout room). They have a rule at partial that if you end the day in the comfort room, you must start there the next day..Well, that being said, it was a friday so that means Landen would start in the comfort room on Monday. Immediately, I know its going to cause problems. So we make it through the weekend. We have a few meltdowns and more tears than usual. But we survived.
Now, we are here, today, Monday. I had mentioned on Sunday night to Landen that he would have to start back in the comfort room. He responded with "I know, I know, its okay." But when I talked to him again this morning about it, he lost it. He started to cry and to take off clothes saying he's not going anywhere. So begins the battle of getting his clothes back on and talking him into getting into the car. I'm not sure how we got there, but we made it to partial. Then we get inside and I inform them of the what happened this morning and they try to talk to him.He refuses to talk to them, he covers his ears and says, "I'm not listening, I'm not listening". So we all try to talk to him but to no avail. So the therapist tells me that it would be best if I left so they could talk to him. If I feel comfortable with that. Of course I'm okay with that, it'll only get worse if I stay.
So I leave and I feel so bad for him that he is starting his day off like this. I have cried more in this last week than I have in a long time.
I have a big ball of anxiety as I'm at work waiting for the the phone call. It comes about 1pm. She tells me that  he is still refusing to talk and refusing everything. He had been sitting in the comfort room all day doing nothing. No coloring, no puzzles, no balls..Not one thing. That made me even more sad and a tad scared for how the evening was going to go.
Then at about 220 I get another phone call from the Nurse at partial. She tells me that they are all proud of Landen because he worked through it and got back to group! The doctor also is increasing his Abilify.
The rest of the afternoon and evening went smoothly. I was not expecting that. He is asleep now and I hope that he stays that way.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Day 3, meltdowns and new meds

Today wasn't as good of a day in partial as the past two. But that's okay with me. They need to see what I deal with on a daily basis. So I got a phone call about 1245 this afternoon telling me the issues that he had and that the doctor wants to change up meds. So then I talked to the nurse. The doctor wants to switch him from Risperdol, to Abilify. Normally, a med change like this would scare me, but because he is in partial, they will be able to safely handle it, if things get rough. I'm not even looking into what others say about Abilify because it makes no difference. Everyone is different.
We have been home for about an hour and 15 minutes and we have had a meltdown because the neighbor kid can't come play..We are leaving for the circus in less than a half hour..This could get interesting..

picture from desktopedia.com

I feel like we are just treading water..

Today will be Day 3 of partial.. I know that I shouldn't expect anything yet and I'm not really surprised by there not being any changes at home. Two days isn't enough to get a good grasp on much with complicated little bundle. What I'm not enjoying is the constant battles that I'm dealing with in the evening time. He's been more defiant and more likely to have a horrible meltdown if he doesn't get something his way or I tell him that he hast to stop doing something. Its frustrating, its exhausting and I'm not a big fan of defiance. Funny since my child has always been defiant. Its a really big pet peeve of mine.
I feel like we are just treading water..Just doing what we can to keep our heads above water. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like this might be my last breath.. I'm ready to collapse..This is so hard, emotionally. I didn't realize it would be THIS hard. I'm constantly on the verge of tears and I don't need to be extra emotional when I'm dealing with Landen's defiance and behavior. It can only get better!.....right??? Sometimes I wonder and am not so sure..

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Day 1

Partial Day 1: I was a nervous wreck. It felt like I was taking him to his first day of Kindergarten. I burst into tears when I left. Everyone that I have met so far has been wonderful but I always wonder, ya know? What goes on after I leave??? The day seemed to go so slow. I waited for the phone to ring but it never did. I went to pick him up at three and he was so happy! He was hyper (since they don't do any kind of physical activity) but in a super good mood! We talked some in the car about how his day was. He said that they talked to him a lot there. Which is a good thing. He seemed to enjoy it and he wants to go back. I'd call that success..One day of success at a time!

Monday, February 20, 2012

We begin partial hospitalization

Tomorrow, February 21st, Landen starts partial care. He will be going to a clinic for 6 hours a day instead of school. For 5 hours he will be doing nothing but different kinds of therapy. I was enlightened greatly when we were having our assessment interview today. I had no idea that my son felt that low about himself or had thoughts like he does. I feel horrible. I cannot even imagine..I'm nervous and scared for this change but I know, in my heart, this is what he needs.
I was so nervous to go today and when we walked in, I seen a familiar face! A surprise familiar face at that! It was a mom of two children that I used to take care of at my job!!! They don't come there any more since they are both old enough for school. I think it was God's way of helping me relax; giving me someone that I "knew" to help make me feel more safe. God has a good way of putting just the right people in your life when you need them! I'm glad that she will be one of the therapists taking care of my son. Makes me worry a little less. I pray this is what he needs. He knows what is going on and is actually excited about it. I hope it lasts!

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The day has arrived.

Tomorrow (Monday) is the day that we have Landen's appointment for partial. I'm not sure why I have such HUGE anxiety about this. I can't wrap my head about what I'm feeling. I don't know if its because this is a step closer to hospitalization or if it is just something new. I'm exhausted when it comes to dealing with the mood swings and waiting for the meltdown.. I know this needs to be done but it sucks and its hard. It's like seeing a door you know you need to go through but you are scared shitless to do it..I don't know what tomorrow will bring, all I know is that it is in God's hands, not mine.

Picture from fineartamerica.com

Thursday, February 16, 2012

I think we have a hit!

We seen a new therapist today! I feel very comfortable with this one. Landen liked him. He was very good. Landen was in a strange mood and was acting goofy/weird and this guy just rolled with it. He was accepting that it was probably nerves from meeting someone new in a new place. I've got homework to do til our next meeting which isn't until next month but its a start! I'm hoping that this is the start of good things to come!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Finally!!! We are getting somewhere!!!

Finally, all the hard work and persistence is paying off! We have an appointment this coming Thursday with a therapist, then an appointment on the 20th for partial hospitalization to regulate meds and then on the 12th of March, an appointment with a new psychiatrist! Finally, I feel as if I can take a breath for a second..

Friday, February 3, 2012

When he cries, he pours..

Yesterday was an interesting day for the boy. School, impromptu bowling and a lot of homework!!!! Usually he might have 15-20 minutes of homework, if that. Last night, because he's had problems at school all week, he had 3 math assignments and Social studies to do!! Took him at least an hour to get it done!! For those who are around ADHD kids in the evening know this is not a small feat!!!! Well, after homework, he was getting tired from his meds, he wanted to play on the PS3, which was his reward for getting his homework done. He was playing and got upset because he wasn't winning. I had given him a time to stop and it was getting close..One thing led to another and he was in full blown rage..Well, we dealt with that and after that he always cries..So the crying begins. I'm hugging him while he's full of emotions. He starts telling me that he will never grow up to have a house because he won't have enough money. I say, sure you will! You are going to make lots of money! He says no i won't I have a funny looking face. Then he proceeded to tell me about the kids who make fun of his face in the bathroom. Then he tells me that he will never have any friends because they pick on him and won't play with him on the playground. Then he tells me that he will never have a good job because one of the girls in his class makes fun of how he says his "r" sounds. I tried doing the mommy thing and telling him that none of that stuff is true but it made things worse, he just kept sobbing and sobbing. This went on for quite a while before he calmed down enough to function.
This just breaks my heart and we are only in second grade. If the teasing in second grade makes him feel like he is going to be a failure at life now, I can't imagine as he gets older..Sometimes, home schooling doesn't seem like a bad idea.
I'm not sure what to do. I emailed the school psychologist and his teacher to let them know, I'm not sure if this is what is causing some of his anxiety issues or not but I wanted them to be aware of what was going on. This is one of those things, that as a mom, you hate to have to deal with..Kids are mean!!!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Well, I guess we aren't good enough..

Frustrated...Last week, I was given the name and number to a child psych in the Omaha area. Supposedly, this guy was good, the "expert" per say..Well I call the office and talk to them about scheduling an appointment but the lady on the other end tells me that the doctor has a pretty full schedule and in order to see him, he screens his patients..So I give her the info she wants and the diagnosis' that we have and she tells me she will pass this along to the doctor. Waiting...Waiting...Finally, they call me today to tell me and I quote "Dr. Coy isn't in the office very much and he thinks that your son needs more frequent therapy than what he can give you. So...sorry!" I was completely annoyed by her comment of So, sorry..really? Like its that effing simple. This doctor is supposed to be one of the best in our area and wont see my son.Really?  I'm really annoyed now.  So I've got the name and number of one other doctor to try..
Sometimes, I hate living in Omaha, NE.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Drum roll please!!! What could it be now?!?!?!

So I thought we had things figured out by pulling him out of art class. Things were good for a week. Monday I had to pick him up early from school because he had a terrible headache..Turns out  he and his little sister have really bad sinus infections..I had no idea! So Tuesday comes and Landen wakes up in a TERRIBLE mood. He was crying and defiant saying he wasn't going to school. He said he was going to be late and he wasn't going. After 45 minutes of crying, whining, yelling and obscene things, we got out the door to school. I told him that since we were late, I would walk him to his classroom. When we got there, his teacher wasn't there. It was two parent helpers. The 2nd grade teachers were in a meeting for a little over an hour. I told them he wasn't in the best of moods and I left. I prayed that he would make it through the day.
I got the first phone call about 1250. It was the nurse. He was refusing to take his meds(not a huge deal) and was having a meltdown in the "boring"room. I talked with the teacher leader who told me the details and said if I call you back in 10 minutes, I can't get him to calm down. 20 minutes later, I get a phone call, from Landen, saying that he was better and was going to go back to class. Then my cousin said that she seen Landen in the office (but in a good mood) at about 215 or so. Then when I went to pick him up, I'm waiting and watching all the other kids come out and I just knew something was wrong. I got back into my car to my phone ringing..Its the principle of the school. She says he is in the boring room and wont come out. So i get lily out of the car and into school we go! This time he got mad because of his crayon breaking. He had moved a HUGE table from one side of the room to the other, I kid you not, I couldn't even move a corner of this table. We get calmed down, go and talk to his teacher about to fix the crayon and we leave.
I start talking to him about what happened and if he knew that his teacher wasn't going to be there. He said yes. I said is that why you didn't want to go? he said yes. I asked him why he didn't tell me. He said that he didn't know and that his tummy hurt and his heart felt weird and he couldn't do anything but get mad.
HMMMMM...
I wonder if he has anxiety!!!!
Plus he is not feeling well, not sleeping well, so I put him to bed early..and by that I mean I gave him his meds early..He was asleep by 645!!! Slept until 710 with only a couple of quick wakeups in betweeen.
So, yesterday(being Wednesday) went off without a hitch.
Today, we woke up the same way..Crying, whiny, he's not going to school. So I called in sick to work and we stayed home. I did not want a repeat of Tuesday in the books. He was super clingy, whiny and crabby today. He would cry if I was out of the room too long and he would hit his sister if she got too close to him. It was a rough day.
I emailed the school psychologist and talked to her about this. She is sending some paperwork home tomorrow with Landen about a program they have at the school for kid with anxiety..
I am exhausted.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Let's stop it before it happens

So I have to be honest and say that every time my phone rings and my son is at school, I cringe before looking at the caller id. I dread hearing from his school that he's having a problem. Yesterday I got a call from the school and it was the principle. My first thought was OH NO!! What now!?!?! But she just wanted to talk to me about her meeting with the specialty team at the school and their thoughts and concerns with Landen. We came to the conclusion that Art class seems to be a trigger for him right now so we are going to have him do something different during that time in the hopes that it will help keep him from having a meltdown. Today is Art day at school. Every Wednesday for a while now, I've gotten the phone call that he's having a meltdown on Wednesday afternoons..Lets hope today is the first day that I don't.
We just want him to be successful and if keeping him from art class is what helps right now, then I am all for that!
Photo from mastersimage.com

Monday, January 16, 2012

Let's try again!

So Landen and I had the whole weekend to ourselves..It was nice. No yelling, no sibling rivalry, no problems. Sometimes, its nice to have that quiet time with him to remember what a good kid he can be.
I called and got him into a different doctor today. This one is through the behavioral health department at Children's Hospital. The bad thing is that this appointment isn't until Feb 16th. So we will see how the next month goes...Hopefully things go smoothly..
Hopefully, this time will work..Its a guy..Landen needs more good guys in his life..I hope this is the one we need.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Whats the difference?

When you have a child who suffers from mental illness, it is sometimes hard to determine what is "normal" behavior and what is not. Especially when it's not the best behavior. Sometimes,  it's hard to determine when its a typical kid tantrum and what's more. Today, I got a call from the Teacher Leader at Landen's school. He was having a meltdown and wasn't able to get calmed down. So I had to leave work early to get him. When I got there, he was just starting to pick up all the winter gear he threw on the floor.
After talking with the teacher leader and with him I found out that he was doing an art project and he was trying not to overlap whatever it was he was drawing but he did anyways. He got frustrated and upset, threw his pencil on the ground and ripped up a paper. Then he refused to leave the class, for whatever reason so the teacher had to carry him out so the next class could come in. Then he proceeded to throw all kinds of gloves, scarves and hats on the ground.
He picked them up fine and we left as we had a psych appointment. I'm not sure if this was one of his "episodes" or just a lack of coping skills. I'm leaning more towards the coping skills. I'm not sure how to go about "fixing" that as most of the time its because he has no control over what he is doing. Maybe when I find a good therapist they can answer some of these questions for me..

One down, where to now??

So if you have read my previous posts, you will know that we switched psych doctors. Today was Visit #2. It didn't go so well. Our appointment is at 330. We walk in the door at 330. Sit and wait til 355..Get into her office, she asks how things were going and he had a meltdown at school today(I'll talk about that in another post) and explained things. Then she asked me all the same questions she asked me the last time we were there and ANSWERED HER PHONE TWICE!!!! To schedule appointments for other people no less. We were only in her office for 10 minutes total!!! Then she asks me if we need any medication refills, I tell her what I need, Concerta 54mg...She proceeds to tell me that we are going to change his dosing of that. Give him two 18mg pills in the morning for a week, then one 18mg pill for a week, then none. No adhd meds. uhh, no! I tell her well you know he's got severe ADHD, without the meds he can't sit still or focus in school. She tells me that it'll help him sleep better, might cut down on his outbursts and it'll be one less pill he has to take. WTF?!?!?!?! Totally didn't see that one coming. I tell her that I don't think that it is a good idea. She isn't listening to me, she's busy pulling out her schedule book to set up another appointment for us next week. I highly doubt we will be going back to her office again. I have an appointment with his regular doctor for tomorrow afternoon. I hope she will write a script for his current dose of meds until we can see someone else. I will be asking her for a recommendation.
I'm just so frustrated. Trying to find a child psych who is worth our time is becoming a very hard task!!!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Looking in His Eyes

He has such big, beautiful blue/green/gray eyes..They change colors frequently. Since he was little, he's always had such a wonderment about him. His eyes so big trying to take in all he could of the world. It wasn't long before I knew something wasn't "right". He would cry for hours at a time and look at me with huge crocodile tears flowing. I couldn't fix him. I didn't know what was wrong. People were concerned because he was so unhappy. I didn't know what to do.
Looking into his eyes, I could see the love and trust he had for me. I am his mom. Then suddenly, like flipping on a switch, his eyes changed. I couldn't describe it nor can I now, it wasn't my son that I was looking at, it was "something" else. He would get so angry and violent. He would bite, hit, kick, scream, anything you can imagine. He would tell me he hated me and wanted me to die. There have been times that he told me he wanted to die. And just as quick as it started, he would be back to himself. His eyes looked like him again.
I cannot imagine what the world looks like from his point of view. He's struggled with so many deep demons that no child his age should have to. But yet, he still has that innocence of a little kid. And I love it. I never want it to go away. He tells me everything. His eyes light up when he makes me laugh.
There are so many things I want to tell him. There are so many things I want to keep him from. I want to put him in a bubble and keep him safe forever. Not so much from physical pain as much as emotional pain. Kids are mean to each other. People are mean, especially if they don't believe in "illnesses unseen". These are the biggest problems to my child in his coming years. I will always be his fan. His advocate, his constant. I love him no matter what. Loving a bipolar child takes something that is hard to give sometimes. Unconditional love. We all say we do it but we don't. There is always something conditional but with a bipolar kid, it has to be. You have to let go of what the bipolar does, no matter how hurtful to you and continue to love your child. This has been the hardest thing for me to do.
I want to tell him that it will all be okay. We will be okay. I want him to have confidence and live life to the fullest.  I don't want him to worry about things or sink into terrible depressions. I want him to be silly and laugh at life, not hate it and wish it were over. I want him to know that its okay to cry. Crying is good. Its more manly to show some emotions than it is to pretend not to have them.
When I look into his eyes, I see the promise of an awesome God that knows why my son is here. He has a purpose. I hope he learns it someday.
I love him, with all my heart, unconditionally, to the moon and back, big and to pieces and pieces. I hope he knows this.

New Year and New Changes

I'm hoping for a better year for all of us in this house this year.  Tomorrow, I'm taking the boy to see a new psychologist/therapist. I'm hoping for someone who I'm not scared of and someone that Landen likes. I've read some reviews about her and I'm not sure..Its about 50/50 with people who like her and people who don't so we will see. I want Landen to have a better year and less stress. I want the anxiety to go away and his happiness to shine. I love him. We will wait and see what tomorrow brings!