Monday, November 28, 2011

Still on the couch

The couch has been my son's new "bed" for about 2 weeks now. We are making some progress with his room. He will at least play in it for a while without needing someone down there with him. But back up to the couch to sleep. I'm trying to investigate therapists that we can go see and other things to try at home. I'm exhausted from getting up and down with him all night long. His behavior is starting to show signs of changing..It scares me. I don't want to be in the same place as we were last year.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

We survived and it went well!! I get nervous on holidays because of the fact that there is so many things going on and so much stimulation. This year started off rough.Both kids woke up in crabby moods and really early in the morning. So that made for a crabby momma who was very moody most of the day. The kids seemed to pick on each other and wouldn't leave each other alone..Once it came time to leave it was 230-pm but it felt like midnight! We got to my grandma's, the first ones there (unusual). Dinner went well..Neither kid ate much(pretty usual) but left me alone for the most part so  I could eat. The strange thing about this thanksgiving was that it was 72 degrees outside! The boys went out to play football, which was nice. Then we all played the board game Logos, which was fun. Lily started to melt because it was 630 and she was tired. She hadn't slept all day. So we left around the same time as everyone else, which was about 7ish and all was well. It was a good day!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Sudden Change

Last night, my son told me, rather whined and cried that he was scared of his room and not sleeping in it any more. Okay..This is new..what brought this on?? Not sure. I'm in a really bad mood last night and the bad mom that I am, I don't sit down and talk with him about it. So this morning we talk about it and it turns out that he  is scared and lonely down there. He also said he has had nightmares where zombies eat him in his room..Yep, I wouldn't want to be in that room alone either if I were 7 and having those kinds of nightmares!
So it just so happens to be that in this book I'm reading (look right above), I was just getting to the part about separation anxiety and nightmares and sleep in Bipolar children. Fun. But I learned a lot. Not only do BP kids go through separation anxiety more than "regular" kids but they also have more vivid nightmares and night terrors than other children. Even if they have never been exposed to violence or watched scary movies, they can have vivid dreams of being killed and seeing blood and gore and things. They are unable to wake themselves from these dreams either, which is part of the problem. Its part of their brain misfiring causing such vivid scary dreams. Makes me sad for him. I can't imagine being scared like that and not being able to wake yourself up from it.
So he doesn't want to be alone in a room, which is challenging in itself but also because my daughter is going through some kind of separation anxiety as well. So I have to try to split myself in two (I'm a single mom for those of you who don't know) and take care of both.
He says that the dark places in his room scare the closet and the shadows caused by the TV. I talked to him about leaving his light on but he says that would keep him awake. So i suggested a lamp for his room. He loved the idea. So, when I have some extra money, we will be buying a special lamp for his room so that when he gets scared, he can turn on the lamp.
I can hope that we can all get some sleep tonight..Last night was a rough one. I was a yo yo mom between my two kids. Its hard when I see the look in my sons eyes and I can tell he's depressed. I can see the pain there but the words and ways to express it are not there yet. I struggle right along with him every day..I just wish I could make things better and easier for him. I love him so much.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I love you--sometimes

I should be in bed. My son is sick and I don't know if he is going to wake up and puke at any moment. But my mind is racing and I'm finding myself in a terrible depression. And I wonder where my son got his Bipolar Disorder from. I Googled bipolar children blogs because I feel alone and want to read that I'm not the only one that struggles with their child.
Today started with a phone call from my son, who is at bowling. He is on a league that bowls every Saturday morning. He had gotten mad and was having issues. I don't like to say having a tantrum because its more than that but its less than a rage. At any rate, I talk to him and tell him that if he wants to go to the birthday party that we have been planning to go to all week, he needs to start behaving and listening. Maybe sit out this game but play the next two, would that be okay? Yeah he said. So I don't hear from him again, which I took as good news. Then he comes home, looks tired but is in a good mood and ready to go play!
Off to the party, I don't worry about his behavior with this friend because they play really well together. Never have any issues. He says his head hurts and he has to puke, which in our terms means he has a migraine and failed to tell me about it. Usually, we can nip it in the bud with meds. Not this time. He makes himself puke and feels better. Till we get home..He's puked 3 more times since then.
Now, back to the story at hand. I'm reading these different blogs and stories and I come across one that talks about how having a child with bipolar disorder is like having a puppy. They can be very cute and fun but the training is hard and even with those "puppy dog eyes", you can see the bipolar inside. The authors daughter was a lot older than my son but she asked her daughter if she knew that she loved her. Her daughter replied with "sometimes". It made me think. Its so true. I can say that I unconditionally love him and thats true. I DO and will always love my son BUT those times when hes raging or having a huge bipolar episode, its better not to love him and to separate yourself. So the saying, I love you, sometimes. is very fitting for a child like that. I may always love him, deep down but I detach and only sometimes love when we are having issues.
Its not conditional love. He doesn't have to do anything to get my love but when the Bipolar comes out, sometimes the easiest thing to do is not to love. Then what happens after that doesn't hurt so much.
Maybe it sounds like I'm a bad mom because of that but I don't think so..Until you have lived my life and hidden the bruises and bite marks and scratches and many other things that have happened, you won't truly understand..Because if you did, you would know how I could say I love him, sometimes.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I wish I had permission to smash your childs face into the concrete

Not really but that is how I honestly feel about 2/3 of the time my child is playing with other children. I know that my son can be a HUGE handful, I will be the first to admit that but he is truly a sensitive soul. A VERY sensitive soul. Also, with the wonderful issues that we have, he doesn't understand sarcasm. So if you are teasing him, in fun, he takes you seriously and get his feelings really hurt. Also, you cannot invade his personal bubble or be too loud in his face..So, needless to say, his sister upsets him a lot.
So, to the matter at hand, the ordeal tonight. I tried to ignore the neighbor kids for over 10 minutes but Landen heard the door and wanted to answer it. So, he went outside to play for awhile and then came in and asked if he could go into the neighbors house to play with them. He hadn't been over there for a long time and I didn't want anyone in my house so I agreed. The last time he went over there, he had a lot of fun. Soo, tonight, I let him play for an hour, and went to get him. As I was walking up the sidewalk, he came out of the house and I said "Hey! You read my mind!" To which he responded with hysterical crying and hiding under the roof on our porch.
It took me a while to get it out of him what had happened. I finally got it! They (the two neighborhood kids) were picking on him. I asked him what they were doing, he said yelling in his face.
He started to run away from my down the street but I finally got him to come in the house and talk to me. He still won't tell me what they said, just that they were mean to him.
It breaks my heart when he hurts like this. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to say. I just get so frustrated when kids treat him badly. He wants to have friends, more than anything else!
These kids are older than him and know how to manipulate him and it pisses me off. I wish I could keep him inside away from them where I know he will be okay. But I can't. So, i daydream about smashing their smart mouthed, jerky faces into a cinder block. Its my form of therapy..Don't judge.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Halloween ( a little late)

This is a picture of one of our outings for Halloween this year. I was lucky in the fact that both kids wanted to wear the same thing that they wore the year before and that they both fit (more or less). Halloween went wonderfully this year. The weather was perfect and the kids were very well behaved. This is considering that Lily didn't have a nap and Landen was on a sugar high! It was two days later that we had issues..The lack of sleep and sugar ups and downs caused Landen to have a HUGE outburst but we survived and got over it quick. I have to remember that I need to not yell. We haven't had many outbursts lately and I'm not used to them (knock on wood). All in all it was a good holiday..and we haven't had too many of those in the past! I'm very thankful.