Monday, December 26, 2011

So I made a choice

I made a few posts about how Landen did on his "new" medication. Not so well. So i put up with it for a week. A week of flying off the handle at a moments notice and an extra emotional boy. Then on Wednesday (of last week) my mom had to pick him up from school because he couldn't calm down. He colored something the wrong way and when offered a new paper, refused and proceeded to meltdown. So after struggling with the idea all week, I decided to not give him the new meds and just go back to what I had been giving him. So i did that Wednesday night. Thursday at school, he was receiving an award. His teacher came up to me and said he is the happiest I've seen him all year.  That made me feel good!
I picked him up and he had a super bad headache. He had a busy loud day. I chalked it up to that. So once we were home, he took a nap, threw up a few times. I talked to the pharmacist and found out that it could be withdrawals from the med I pulled him off of. He was sick all night Thursday, all day and night friday. Saturday, he seemed better, we went to a movie and he took a long nap. My ADHD kid NEVER naps!!!
I honestly don't know if it was a virus or withdrawals from the meds but I do know that tomorrow I'm shopping for a new pysch doctor for Landen.
I know my kid best, although, I may not understand what all the meds do, I do understand what they do to him right away. When one day my kid is fine and the next he throws two desks and a chair across the room and the only difference is a medication, I'm thinking its the medication. I'm learning to go with my gut.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Day 2, again, not so good.

So we changed up meds for today to see if that would help but it didn't. I got a call from the school counselor at 145ish today telling me that Landen was in the hallway refusing to move or talk to anyone. He had emptied out a couple of bins of classroom stuff that is kept under the lockers in the hallway. I tried to talk to him on the phone but he didn't want to. I started to gather my things to leave to pick him up from school and she called back saying that he was okay and wanted to go back to class. The reason this all started???? He got glue on his fingers. Yep..that's what I was thinking too..
So I talked with the counselor at school about it and I talked to his psychologist. She wants to up his Tegratol and Rispersol and change the times that he takes them. She also said that if he has a rough day tomorrow, she wants me to call a place that does partial hospitalization. That is where they do more tests and try to figure out his mood swings, meds and get him stable. Its more intense than outpatient but not as intense as complete inpatient. I'm not sure I'm prepared for that but if that is what we need to get him better, lets do it.
Landen and I talked today in the car on the way home. I asked him if he was having problems with his brain. He told me "yes, my brain isn't working right." It breaks my heart to hear that.
I just want to fix him.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Day 1, new med combo, not good.

So we started the new med last night. Seroquel instead of the Risperdol and slowing ween off of the Clonidine. He slept all night..and very sound. I was up quite a bit with the girl and he was in the same position all night long. When he got up this morning, he complained that his hips hurt! So we made it to school and he was in a very good mood today! I left my phone in the office, I hadn't heard anything all day so I was hopeful that things were going well. At 230, I get back to my phone. I have 2 missed calls and a voicemail that he has been having an outburst at school since about 130. What happened was that he was in Spanish class and couldn't do the worksheet. It had something to do with either not knowing the words or not remembering them, I'm not for sure. He couldn't finish, got upset, the Spanish teacher didn't know what to do so at the end of class, he go extremely pissed off and threw a chair and 2 desks (yikes). Then the teacher leader came to help him, Landen tried to attack him and they spent the rest of the time outside where he screamed at the top of his lungs for almost 20minutes. He hit and kicked the wall and screamed til he wore himself out.
When I got there to pick him up, I was dreading talking to them. I was having flashbacks from last year at his old school. But when I got their the teacher leader introduced himself and we went into his office and talked about a timeline. He was positive and understanding about the med change. He also told me to stop apologizing about it. There was no blame game, no being angry at Landen. They understand that this is out of his control. His teacher came down to see how he was and to talk to me for a few minutes before going to her meeting. I was very impressed with how they handled everything.
I talked with the psychologist and we are going to add back in the Risperdol but at a lower dose 3 times a day. So now, after lunch, he will need to go take this itty bitty pill. But, if it helps to keep him from throwing desks, I'm okay with that.
Tomorrow is a new day and we will conquer it, just like we do every day!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Okay, really?

This weekend was a tough one for me. Saturday morning Landen had a meltdown followed by me having a meltdown. I honestly don't even remember what the first one was about. I know that we were trying to leave for bowling (Landen is in a league on Saturday mornings). Then we survived the afternoon and things were fine, like nothing had happened. Then that evening my brother, my boyfriend, landen and I were going to go out to dinner. He started to have another meltdown before leaving then. Again, at this point, I'm not sure what it was about. So we finally make it out to go to dinner and he's fine, like nothing ever happened. I'm so confused. I hate walking on eggshells, but with a bipolar kid, that's pretty much your life. You never know what is going to set them off.
Then yesterday, the morning was fine, we went to a VIP free lunch thing. I was expecting him to have a huge issue when we left the house but he didn't. And when we were there, he was great! Once we got home he was fine, it wasn't until he started playing a game on PS3 that he got upset. He was trying to beat a certain level and he couldn't so he had to do it over and over and over..Then it was a huge meltdown..So after dealing with that, he want's to go outside with the boys and have a snowball fight. He was having a good time doing that until he accidentally got a snowball to the face. Then we had another issue. He started getting physical with me about taking off his boots so my boyfriend had to hold him so he wouldn't hurt me. Then we went down to his room where he hid in the closet and said he was stupid and would always be stupid and he wanted a new mom who doesn't yell at him. He eventually crawled under his bed(which he hasn't slept in, in about a month now) and tried to hurt my feet. I'm not sure what is going on or why but I'm glad that tomorrow we go to the doctor. I cannot handle much more of this right now.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

This is beginning to look familiar..

Last year at this same time, Landen stared having a lot of issues. This year seems to be the same way. I'm trying to make sense of it but I can't. I'm unsure if it is related to the seasons and weather change or if he needs therapy or a med adjustment..This just goes to show that I can't get comfortable with how things are going..I always have to stay on my toes. I'm so torn..I'm not sure where to turn or what to do. He was seeing a "play"therapist but I wasn't impressed. She always seemed unsure about what steps to take and what to do and the one time in 8 months that Landen was seeing her, he was having a rough morning, he started banging his head against the wall and she got concerned asked about medication. Then she ran out of the room to ask the meds doctor about it. Came back and said that I could give him more Risperdol if he was having issues in the morning. Then she told me that she didn't think that working alone with him would be a good idea. I just don't think that going back to her would the right thing. Trying to find someone that Landen actually likes is a tough thing. I'm just not sure but I don't like the familiarity that this is taking.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Still on the couch

The couch has been my son's new "bed" for about 2 weeks now. We are making some progress with his room. He will at least play in it for a while without needing someone down there with him. But back up to the couch to sleep. I'm trying to investigate therapists that we can go see and other things to try at home. I'm exhausted from getting up and down with him all night long. His behavior is starting to show signs of changing..It scares me. I don't want to be in the same place as we were last year.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thanksgiving 2011

We survived and it went well!! I get nervous on holidays because of the fact that there is so many things going on and so much stimulation. This year started off rough.Both kids woke up in crabby moods and really early in the morning. So that made for a crabby momma who was very moody most of the day. The kids seemed to pick on each other and wouldn't leave each other alone..Once it came time to leave it was 230-pm but it felt like midnight! We got to my grandma's, the first ones there (unusual). Dinner went well..Neither kid ate much(pretty usual) but left me alone for the most part so  I could eat. The strange thing about this thanksgiving was that it was 72 degrees outside! The boys went out to play football, which was nice. Then we all played the board game Logos, which was fun. Lily started to melt because it was 630 and she was tired. She hadn't slept all day. So we left around the same time as everyone else, which was about 7ish and all was well. It was a good day!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Sudden Change

Last night, my son told me, rather whined and cried that he was scared of his room and not sleeping in it any more. Okay..This is new..what brought this on?? Not sure. I'm in a really bad mood last night and the bad mom that I am, I don't sit down and talk with him about it. So this morning we talk about it and it turns out that he  is scared and lonely down there. He also said he has had nightmares where zombies eat him in his room..Yep, I wouldn't want to be in that room alone either if I were 7 and having those kinds of nightmares!
So it just so happens to be that in this book I'm reading (look right above), I was just getting to the part about separation anxiety and nightmares and sleep in Bipolar children. Fun. But I learned a lot. Not only do BP kids go through separation anxiety more than "regular" kids but they also have more vivid nightmares and night terrors than other children. Even if they have never been exposed to violence or watched scary movies, they can have vivid dreams of being killed and seeing blood and gore and things. They are unable to wake themselves from these dreams either, which is part of the problem. Its part of their brain misfiring causing such vivid scary dreams. Makes me sad for him. I can't imagine being scared like that and not being able to wake yourself up from it.
So he doesn't want to be alone in a room, which is challenging in itself but also because my daughter is going through some kind of separation anxiety as well. So I have to try to split myself in two (I'm a single mom for those of you who don't know) and take care of both.
He says that the dark places in his room scare the closet and the shadows caused by the TV. I talked to him about leaving his light on but he says that would keep him awake. So i suggested a lamp for his room. He loved the idea. So, when I have some extra money, we will be buying a special lamp for his room so that when he gets scared, he can turn on the lamp.
I can hope that we can all get some sleep tonight..Last night was a rough one. I was a yo yo mom between my two kids. Its hard when I see the look in my sons eyes and I can tell he's depressed. I can see the pain there but the words and ways to express it are not there yet. I struggle right along with him every day..I just wish I could make things better and easier for him. I love him so much.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

I love you--sometimes

I should be in bed. My son is sick and I don't know if he is going to wake up and puke at any moment. But my mind is racing and I'm finding myself in a terrible depression. And I wonder where my son got his Bipolar Disorder from. I Googled bipolar children blogs because I feel alone and want to read that I'm not the only one that struggles with their child.
Today started with a phone call from my son, who is at bowling. He is on a league that bowls every Saturday morning. He had gotten mad and was having issues. I don't like to say having a tantrum because its more than that but its less than a rage. At any rate, I talk to him and tell him that if he wants to go to the birthday party that we have been planning to go to all week, he needs to start behaving and listening. Maybe sit out this game but play the next two, would that be okay? Yeah he said. So I don't hear from him again, which I took as good news. Then he comes home, looks tired but is in a good mood and ready to go play!
Off to the party, I don't worry about his behavior with this friend because they play really well together. Never have any issues. He says his head hurts and he has to puke, which in our terms means he has a migraine and failed to tell me about it. Usually, we can nip it in the bud with meds. Not this time. He makes himself puke and feels better. Till we get home..He's puked 3 more times since then.
Now, back to the story at hand. I'm reading these different blogs and stories and I come across one that talks about how having a child with bipolar disorder is like having a puppy. They can be very cute and fun but the training is hard and even with those "puppy dog eyes", you can see the bipolar inside. The authors daughter was a lot older than my son but she asked her daughter if she knew that she loved her. Her daughter replied with "sometimes". It made me think. Its so true. I can say that I unconditionally love him and thats true. I DO and will always love my son BUT those times when hes raging or having a huge bipolar episode, its better not to love him and to separate yourself. So the saying, I love you, sometimes. is very fitting for a child like that. I may always love him, deep down but I detach and only sometimes love when we are having issues.
Its not conditional love. He doesn't have to do anything to get my love but when the Bipolar comes out, sometimes the easiest thing to do is not to love. Then what happens after that doesn't hurt so much.
Maybe it sounds like I'm a bad mom because of that but I don't think so..Until you have lived my life and hidden the bruises and bite marks and scratches and many other things that have happened, you won't truly understand..Because if you did, you would know how I could say I love him, sometimes.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I wish I had permission to smash your childs face into the concrete

Not really but that is how I honestly feel about 2/3 of the time my child is playing with other children. I know that my son can be a HUGE handful, I will be the first to admit that but he is truly a sensitive soul. A VERY sensitive soul. Also, with the wonderful issues that we have, he doesn't understand sarcasm. So if you are teasing him, in fun, he takes you seriously and get his feelings really hurt. Also, you cannot invade his personal bubble or be too loud in his face..So, needless to say, his sister upsets him a lot.
So, to the matter at hand, the ordeal tonight. I tried to ignore the neighbor kids for over 10 minutes but Landen heard the door and wanted to answer it. So, he went outside to play for awhile and then came in and asked if he could go into the neighbors house to play with them. He hadn't been over there for a long time and I didn't want anyone in my house so I agreed. The last time he went over there, he had a lot of fun. Soo, tonight, I let him play for an hour, and went to get him. As I was walking up the sidewalk, he came out of the house and I said "Hey! You read my mind!" To which he responded with hysterical crying and hiding under the roof on our porch.
It took me a while to get it out of him what had happened. I finally got it! They (the two neighborhood kids) were picking on him. I asked him what they were doing, he said yelling in his face.
He started to run away from my down the street but I finally got him to come in the house and talk to me. He still won't tell me what they said, just that they were mean to him.
It breaks my heart when he hurts like this. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to say. I just get so frustrated when kids treat him badly. He wants to have friends, more than anything else!
These kids are older than him and know how to manipulate him and it pisses me off. I wish I could keep him inside away from them where I know he will be okay. But I can't. So, i daydream about smashing their smart mouthed, jerky faces into a cinder block. Its my form of therapy..Don't judge.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Halloween ( a little late)

This is a picture of one of our outings for Halloween this year. I was lucky in the fact that both kids wanted to wear the same thing that they wore the year before and that they both fit (more or less). Halloween went wonderfully this year. The weather was perfect and the kids were very well behaved. This is considering that Lily didn't have a nap and Landen was on a sugar high! It was two days later that we had issues..The lack of sleep and sugar ups and downs caused Landen to have a HUGE outburst but we survived and got over it quick. I have to remember that I need to not yell. We haven't had many outbursts lately and I'm not used to them (knock on wood). All in all it was a good holiday..and we haven't had too many of those in the past! I'm very thankful.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Parent Teacher Conferences

Today is my first parent teacher conference with Landen's teacher. We have been in contact about certain things over the course of the last couple of months but it'll be nice to sit down and actually talk with her about how he is doing. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. But there's a part of me that doesn't want to get my hopes up about anything either. I never know how long it will last! I will update this post after his conference this afternoon.

Update:  He had a WONDERFUL report card! As I was waiting in the hallway for my turn, his music teacher came up to me and asked if I was Landen's mom. I said yes with a cringe..He told me that Landen is his best student in his class and that he is always willing to participate, excited to try new things and listens very well. That was an awesome way to start off his conference!!! So I get into the room to talk with the teacher and she gives me more good news. She tells me how good he is doing and how he impresses her with how quickly he learns and how much he knows. She said that she's made him upset a few times but he has controlled it and handled it very well. I am so proud of him! The only things she wants him to work on is asking for help and participating more. I told her that I think the participation will come as the year goes on and he opens up more. He is doing so well and interacting well and everything!
Then she told me this: "I would take a whole classroom full of Landen's if I could." That stunned me! He is such a good student and I am so proud of him!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

It's been a while

Its been quite a while since I last blogged about our Bipolar situations..Honestly? Things have been going goo with Landen and I forget, that even though, its good, I should still talk about it. Things have been busy in my own personal life and I don't seem to have enough time in a day.
Landen started at a new school in a new school district this year. I was a tad hesitant at first but he loves it!! He's doing so well and enjoys going to school everyday.
I'm so blessed to be able to smile as he runs off to the doors of the school instead of crying as he slowly walks in, waiting for that first phone call of the day.
I am not naive in knowing that this will not last. I know we will have problems again. I don't know when, it could be this year, it could be two years from now. I honestly don't know. I will live "on edge" everyday. I can't live any other way. I cannot let my guard down..I have this fear that if I do, something bad will happen.
But for now, I will enjoy the happiness and the peace that we have going so far. Little steps, and one day at a time!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

I know they are just words but it still hurts.

We are going to be on day 4 in our new school year. All is going well, he is enjoying school and coming home happy. This I thoroughly enjoy. After school, we have been coming home and the kids have played outside on the new swingset (which they call a park and I think is adorable). Yesterday, Landen is supposed to get out of school at 3pm but since I won't get off til after 3, I signed him up for the after school program for a half hour (provided free from the school which is awesome because I'm poor and can't afford it otherwise). So I pick him up from school and i asked my bro if it was okay that we come over for a bit, thinking that the kids haven't seen him for a few days and they would be excited to see him. Well the problems start as soon as we walk in the door. Between Landen being tired from school and the attitude of my brother, there was lots of yelling and whining that ensued. Things settle down for a few minutes..I tell him we are leaving at such time ( i don't remember), he gets mad about something to do with a game and my bro and not playing or whatnot. He comes up stairs, changes the channel on the tv which sends lily into a crying fit. (Lovin life at the moment,btw) So I take the remote and turn the tv back to the channel it was on so that causes Landen to fly off the handle and scream at me, try to hit me. Welcome to my wonderful life! Then he says "I hate you. I will always hate you!" Yep, that stings, although I know he's just mad and doesn't mean it, it still hurts..Then I tell him that I love him with all my heart, he said again "I hate you! You are the worst mom ever!"
Again, I say, Welcome to my life! Yep, stung again! These are just words and I know that he doesn't mean that but it hurts and it just sits there in my mind and repeats itself over and over.
I have to detach myself from things like this or  I would honestly hate my own child. The words that he has said to me over the years are harsh at best and heartwrenching..I hate that I have to do that and that he makes me feel like crap but welcome to the wonderful world of Bipolar Disorder. Lots of things we don't mean done and said out of anger.
I hate it. I hate Bipolar Disorder but welcome to my life. When a "normal" child does or says something like that, there is discipline that MIGHT work to stop it, you can't do that with kids like this, not many people understand that. Sometimes I wish that i didn't have to either...Life would be easier....

(photo from

Monday, August 15, 2011

SUCCESS, One school day at a time!

Today was Landen's 1st day of 2nd grade. I was nervous for many reasons. 1) He's going to a new school.
2) He's in a higher grade which means more pressure.
3) New school district and I don't know the requirements of the district yet.
4) At the Sneak a Peek night, he wasn't very receptive to his teacher or the classroom.
He fell asleep at a decent hour last night and was up on his own at 630something this morning, which was awesome because last year, I struggled for over an hour at times to get his butt up. He wanted chicken nuggets for breakfast and ate all of them so I wasn't complaining. Then he had some cereal also. We made it to school ON TIME( yet another HUGE feat for us). He didn't want me to walk him to his class but I had paperwork to turn in anyways so I did :o) I was able to get a picture of him and his teacher(its on my Facebook page if you are interested). I was anxious the entire day and when I picked him up he said he had a good day. Then proceeded to tell me about music class and the teacher and what they did in music and he was happy. And that makes me happy. This was my goal for the day. A happy child who successfully made it through the school day. Tomorrow is a new day but the same goal. Its no longer a year by year or a grade by grade thing but a day by day and sometimes, a moment by moment thing in order to get us through the day.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

New School Year, New Anxiety---by Mom

In less than a week Landen will start 2nd grade at a new school. After the issues we had in OPS last year, I'm not doing THAT ever again. He doesn't seem to be scared or anything. I asked him if he was excited to start school, he smiled huge and said "YES!" and for that I'm thankful.
Today, I got a surprising phone call from the psychologist at the school. The team was looking over the paperwork that transferred and all the info that his old school gave him. She talked with me about what had been going on, the meds he is on and the plan that we have been working on. She also told me about what their plan is going to be for him. They are going to work the positive side of things instead of waiting for something to happen which I love! We spent about 20 minutes on the phone talking about strategies to help my son.
So needless to say talking to her really helped lessen my anxiety with Landen starting 2nd grade! I cannot wait to see what other ideas they have this year!!

Saturday, July 9, 2011

That's some big talkin'

Before I knew what the actual issues were with Landen, I noticed something "interesting" about him. It wouldn't happen all the time but when it did, it always confused me. Landen would talk about "remember that time when I was hit 10 home runs and my team won the championship?" I would respond with "Oh, on Playstation or in the backyard with Nick?" His answer, "No!! When I was younger and I played professional baseball, REMEMBER?!"
I couldn't for the life of me, understand why he believed such things. I would go along with it to keep the peace though. Now I understand. Its called grandiosity. In children it's where they they think they are better than others at certain things, think they have powers that can change and affect things, claiming to be smarter or stronger or faster than everyone else.
I know kids tend to do this a lot. The difference is that most kids are just "bragging" or "gloating" but bp kids ACTUALLY believe it..and most of the time, there's nothing you can do to change their minds but agree with them. Its kinda like when a child is using their imagination pretending that a stick is a hot dog, you roll with it. Same kinda thing when it comes dealing with grandiose thoughts, you sometimes, just have to roll with it to prevent a rage.
It can be embarrassing at times, especially when your child is telling strangers these grand things about themselves..The looks we get from others. But, as with other things, I'm learning to let it roll off my shoulders. I'm tired of caring what people think about me or my kids. Unless they live with me and have a Ph.d in child psychology, they need to keep their mouths shut.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

New Beginnings

I haven't written much in the past month. I appologize for that. Things have been pretty hectic around here. After Landen finished school on the 20th of May, its been one thing after another. Between just general life with two kids, we packed up the apartment and moved into a duplex!!! Its so nice not to have people living above me and stomping around and dropping things on the floor constantly. We have our own yard and a basement! Its nice to have our own space. As I type this, Landen is outside playing with nieghborhood kids.
We have been doing really good in the mood department also. Not much difference to report. The doctor increased his Concerta to 54mg and that has really helped with the antsyness and pacing and constant movement. He still acts "normal" and full of energy just not as jittery.
On Saturday, we did the NAMI Walk in Elmwood Park. My parents, brother, cousin, her fiance and daughter and a few really good friends of mine came out to join us on the walk. It was a beatuiful morning for it and it turned out great. Landen won a price, a free loaf of bread every month for a year from Panera bread. He was super excited. Its been a good month. I'm trying to stay positive and keep my hopes up that things will stay this way.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

To my little boy on his birthday

Dear Landen,
   Today is your 7th birthday! What a day is was! You had a lot of fun at your party and many people who love you very much were there. I cannot believe that you are 7. Sometimes it feels like its gone so quick and other times it feels as if it has taken a lifetime already. In this past year we have been through so much together. You amaze me more and more each day, especially as I learn the struggles within yourself that you are dealing with at such a young age.
I love you so much and I know that you will do great things in life. The joy and the smiles these past few months have been heavenly. I'm not sure that you truly enjoyed life before the new medication. I'm so glad to see your beautiful smile and your big blue eyes light up the room.
You are such a smart boy! As of right now, there is one week left of 1st grade. You are reading at at 3rd (sometimes 4th) grade level, you are doing 2nd grade math and can read "sight" words up to 5th grade. Your memory about certain things is astonishing.
You are nothing short of an amazing little boy. God gave you to me for a reason. We may have our ups and downs but you are making me a much better parent and person on our journey. I had no idea what was in store for me when I found out i was having you, but you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know that times get hard and will continue to do so as you get older but we will take each "bump" as it comes and not look too far ahead because we will miss the right now in front of us.
I hope that you know today, and every day, how much you are loved! I love you my sweet baby boy, Landen William..
I love you to pieces, to the moon and back, for ever and ever and ever.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I wish I could..

I wish that I could take the pain and suffering away from my children. I know all parents say that. Its hard for me to explain to others how I feel while watching my son fight an internal fight of emotions. When there's nothing that I can do but sit and watch it happen. When I know he has to interact with other children and let me tell you, other children are MEAN! No matter the age. It hurts me to see him hurting because of someone else's words or actions. I want to take it all away. I want to put him in a bubble so he cannot be hurt by anyone, ever.
There are times when I have to turn away from him as he's crying about how dumb or stupid he is and how its the worst day of his life (all because he spilled something on his pants) because I'm in tears myself. Nothing that I can say or do will make it any better and that is the worst feeling in the world as a mom. Watching your child be tormented and not being able to do anything about it. I want to follow him around everywhere he goes to make sure he doesn't get hurt by others. Others who don't understand him or care to understand. He has so much in his own mind that makes him hurt and feel bad about himself, he doesn't need others to help him in that.
I feel helpless. I feel as if I'm failing him every day that he's hurt. I know its life but he shouldn't experience all the pain that he does at the age of 6. Its sad. But I have to wipe away the tears, swallow the cry and slap on a happy face for him and his sister..I have to be strong for them..We have to keep on pushing forward, through it all.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Last time I checked, I didn't ask for your opinion!

Its funny to me how when things are going well and your child is behaving, people don't ask questions or seem to care for that fact. But when the child is acting out, they are the first ones to give advice or say what they think the problem is. Well, let me tell you something, unless you have a child like mine, your advice is futile and will not work for my kid. Thanks! I don't mean to sound rude. There are people whom I talk with and accept their advice as an outsiders perspective and that I appreciate. But when those people, who think they know more than I do about my own child, tell me that he is manipulating me and just acting out to stay home from school or sleep later, I laugh in their faces. You do not know what I do and don''t do at home to discipline my child. Nor do you know the complexity of Bipolar disorder..Especially in children.
When Landen was younger and i thought something was "wrong" with him, I put up with my own FAMILY telling me I was wrong and that I was disciplining wrong and needed to be harder on him . So believe me, there is not one thing that someone one else can tell me that I haven't heard from my own family. Now that they know and accept his disorders, they see things differently as well. If you want information on Bipolar and ADHD kids, I'll be happy to talk to you about it. If you want to give me advice on how to raise my son and no nothing about how special he is, then, no thank you, please don't waste my time or yours.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The first holiday since starting the new meds

So Easter was the first holiday that we have celebrated since Landen started his new medication for Bipolar Disorder. Let me give you a quick rundown of the weekend. Friday after school, he went over to my parents and went to the hockey game with my dad and my brother. Then stayed the night there. Saturday afternoon my moms side of the family came over to my parents house to celebrate Easter. There was other kids, lots of adults and an Easter egg hunt. At about 830pm he was so tired that he was crying and rolling around on the ground. I told everyone that was still there, "I guess its time we leave."We didn't get home til after 9pm. Then Sunday morning the kids were up by 8 am. Easter egg hunt here. Then I went to church (he was going to go with me but changed his mind, so  I dropped him off at my parents). After church,  I picked him up, brought him back home, got the girl ready to go and we went back to my parents for dinner and another egg hunt with my grandparents there. We left there about 7ish. Once home, on all nights, medication has to be given in order to "help" him fall asleep. No matter how tired he is, he will not, more like cannot, fall asleep until the meds get into his system. So he didn't fall asleep til a little after 9pm last night. This morning trying to get him up was terrible! I tried to get him up, just like I always do but he was violent and very angry. He was so tired! So, not having to work today, I let him sleep..I called the school told them he was having a rough morning and that he would be in later. He slept til 915 and woke up on his own in a much better mood! We ate breakfast, got dressed and went to school. He was there by 1030 am and he was happy.
My lesson learned is that it may be wise to incorporate a day off after holidays for him, just for situations like this, for his body to simmer down. Or not be so festive when holidays are here. He was very good during all activities and was social. Which is VERY unlike him!! So all in all, despite the meltdown on Saturday night and then this morning, he was very good this weekend!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The other child

Although this blog is primarily about Landen, I do need to say a few things about the other child. Landen was my first born. Those of you who know the story know he is here for a reason. God put him in my life for a purpose that is starting to unfold. He was (and still is) my world. I'm in complete awe over him everyday. He continues to amaze me. Just as often as he drives me crazy, he puts me in awe as well. In August of 2007, I gave birth to my daughter, Liliana.We call her Lily. So tiny, spunky and amazing all in her own ways. Both my children have amazing qualities and can make me laugh, cry and yell. Kids are good for that.
My daughter has been the complete opposite of Landen. She was (and still is) tiny. Landen by a year old was almost 25 pounds! He was 20 lbs at 8 months! She didn't reach 20 lbs till she was 18 months. She plays with others, uses her imagination and is a typical 3 and 1/2 year old. That is a huge blessing as I couldn't handle two of Landen. She is letting me experience all the things that I never did with him. I can take her to loud and crowded places and she's okay with it. Him, not so much.
She does suffer from the affects of his disorder though..Just as we all do. He gets his way more than she does. Not because I favor him but to keep the raging from happening. We don't do or do things according to how he is behaving and feeling that day. She's missed out on experiences because of his moods. We all have. She's felt the brunt of his anger. She's had stitches because of a rage( I didn't know that it was it was back then, I just thought it was a tantrum), had many bumps and bruises. I try to protect her as much as possible. I try to do as much with her as I can while he's in school because she needs the good, positive experiences to remember.
In the books I'm reading it talks about siblings and the feelings that they can have towards their bipolar siblings. I don't want her to hate him because of his illness.I hope she doesn't end up resenting him. I hope she learns tolerance & understanding for people who are suffering from an "unseen" illness. I hope she looks up to her brother and sees what he has overcome and admires him.
 There is a guilt that I carry for her. A sadness. I feel as if I take out some of my frustration and anger on her since I can't with Landen. I feel sometimes, as if I'm overly strict on her behavior with certain things. There are times that I'm "mean" to her and I go back crying because I'm just done after dealing with Landen. Its a learning process and a balancing act. I need to learn to balance and "let go" of my anger and frustration from Landen before dealing with her. Its hard when they both want attention at the same time. I'm only one person and I can only do so much at one time. I don't want to be fighting with both of them during their childhood over why this and why not that. I want both my kids to be happy. Isn't that any moms dream?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A few things I need to accept

Right now, and for the past few months, I've been painstakingly making my way through two books. These are those books:
Sorry I cant get them both on the same line.
 Inside both of them are wonderful,eye opening, truthful, insights into the
mind of a bipolar child. Its also very painful and hard to read what the children say are going on in their heads. Its amazing at the knowledge that even 7-8 year old's have about the lack of control or reasoning for raging. For those of you who don't know, raging is the term for the "tantrum" or "outburst" that a bipolar child has.
As I read through this book, they do not sugar coat anything. Yes, when treated early, a lot of children turn into adults with very controlled bipolar disorder. Some people will not need to be on meds, some will. It depends on the person. Some who SHOULD be on meds choose not to be. As an adult, that is their choice. I have fought with Landen many times about taking his meds. He doesn't want to take so many pills. I can't say that I blame him. I hope that as he gets older, he realizes that these pills are necessary for him to keep some kind of normalcy.
I need to accept that the dreams and hopes that I had for my son, my first born child might not come true in the way I had wanted them to. I watch stories about families having babies and I have a few friends who have recently had babies. I remember that bliss and happiness when Landen was born. I had such grand plans for him and his life. Now there are times when I have to fight to think about something positive. I just have to keep thinking to myself that we will grow and get to where we need to go, it'll just be on a different path than everyone else. We will get there. There may be more tears and more pain and more yelling but we will get there. No matter what.
I need to accept that my son may never play or be good at team sports. I'm going to try to give it a go with some Y team sports but I'm not holding my breath. He has such a short fuse and doesn't like to lose so I'm not sure how well it will work. We are going to try because he wants to play soo bad. He doesn't understand how his actions will affect the others on his team.
The one thing that I guess surprised me the most is the suicide talk. Children as young as my son are trying to commit suicide or saying that they want to kill themselves. Its sad. Its hard..Its tough to think about that in the next few years and through the teen years I'll be on suicide watch. It scares the crap out of me to think about this. Honestly, there have been a few times when he has been so upset that he has told he that he can't handle it and wants to die..At the time, I didn't think about how serious those comments are.
I still need to find a support group for me. I need to talk to someone who has the same issues as I do. Its hard to even come close to relating to what parents of other kids are dealing with..
For now, I will try to get some sleep. The boy has another sinus infection and is on more antibiotics. He can barely breath and does a lot of coughing. Sleeping isn't going so well for him the past few days. The girl doesn't sleep well either..its starting to concern me..But that's a concern for another day..

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Taking Steps

Every day we are taking steps in the right direction. The more reshaping and positive things we do now, the better off he will be in the future. One of the organizations that helps spread knowledge and give help to those who need is is NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Health. They provide services across the country for families, individuals and communities affected by mental illness. In June, I, along with family and friends will be walking in my sons honor, at Elmwood Park here in Omaha, Ne. Here is the link to my homepage for more information on this walk. Please, if you feel led, join my team, donate to the cause, walk by yourself. Whatever you would like to do, please do something, lets not keep these issues silent any longer!!


It seems that time slips away from me! Two weeks have gone by without me posting anything..So here goes an update. We still have outbursts but nothing as bad as they were. Two weeks ago he had a very violent rage at school. Shoes came off and the teacher got slapped and kicked. Poor teacher. But we deal. Now that the weather is nice (most of the time) we are burning off more energy outside which means less computer time :o) The struggles of everyday life are still around..we battle getting up in the morning..battle taking our meds, getting to school on time (which makes me late to work everyday)..Everyday, I wait for that phone call from the school telling me he's had a rage at school. I get that call once a week. Things aren't easy, things are complicated but we will survive..We will make more progress! All in time :o)

Bumps in the road

So this seems to be the norm. We have a good few days or so the BAM, we hit a bump in the road..Then we have smooth sailing again. I've starting a cycle chart for him, which is confusing all in itself but something that I'm reading is necessary. The one thing that I have figured out, at this stage in the game, is that he needs sleep. Lack of sleep causes us to rage and get violent for no reason. I know that I should expect a few bumps but I do enjoy the good times.
That being said, its been pretty quiet and uneventful, which I'm thankful for. We started seeing a play therapist. I like her, Landen seems to like and we see her once a week, so that is a bonus. She seems very nice and willing to work on the things that I have concerns about.
The bumps in the road wont be going anywhere anytime soon. I can accept that.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A glimmer of hope

On Monday we had a follow up psychiatrist appointment. Its hard to believe but it has been 3 weeks since we first seen this new doctor and got our new diagnosis! There have been great changes in our lives since this new medication finally started to work. It's like a completely different child that I'm dealing with now. In school he's doing better, he's handling everything that he wasn't handling before better. We still have our bumps in the road, don't get me wrong, but things are turning around. Not only is he on a medication that is making him a happier child, I'm now on a path to understand his illness better. For the last 3 years I've been focusing on ADHD, now I have to refocus on Bipolar Disorder. Now that I have a new set of books to read, its all making sense. Why the "stratagies" and "techniques" for helping and working with ADHD kids didn't work with mine. Why some of the things my kid was dealing with, other ADHD/ODD kids weren't dealing with. It all makes sense now!
Now with the bigger picture in mind, we talked about the future. She gave me a glimmer of hope! She was telling me about recent studies and their findings. She said that if children are treated at a young age with the correct medication and treatments that it is actually changing the patterns in which their brains work. Changing them to a more "normal" brain state. She said that they are finding that the brain stops changing and growing at about age 25. I'm not doing this any justice with the technical terms at all but with the medication helping for so many years, it changes the brain, for the better, that the people in these recent studies are able to go off medication( or stay on a much lesser dose) at about 25 years old..When she told me this I was so excited! It means that we might not face a lifetime of pills. There is hope that he will get "better" not, cured, but better!! That makes me happy. But for right now, we will focus on right now and our near future and stick to the many pills we take in a day. I'm attaching a picture of the pills he takes, just at night. He takes a couple more in the morning.

That is 6 and a half pills if you can't see it...But we will get through! There is a light at the end of our tunnel! No matter how long that tunnel is!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Two Steps Back

Well, we had a good run going. Then BAM! We hit a wall. Spent half the day in the principles office again. He got angry over such a tiny thing. Something with his paper. I pray tomorrow is better. Its very discouraging but I know its the road we are on. Its a very scary, curvy  and broken road. We are trying to repave it but its one step at a time. I try not to get discouraged so much but its hard. Every day that is like this is shaping Landen's view of school and authorities and his future. Am I doing the right thing? I constantly wonder. There is not enough time in a day to understand and learn all that I need to about Bipolar Disorder. If only there were 36 hour days..

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Acceptance according to the dictionary is, among other things, favorable reception; approval; favor. That being said, its easier said than done. You can say that you accept something or someone but truly are still judging. Having a child with special needs that are in his brain and not physical is opening my eyes to some of the judgements that fall on people who are "different". Is it harder to deal with acceptance in your own family or with friends and acquaintances? I'm in the process of trying to figure that out. You can explain to people what is going on and they can even witness a rage but unless they walk in your shoes daily, it's truly hard to understand. As a mom, I'm having a hard time with acceptance as well. I have to accept that my son will never be "normal" as such. There will always be struggles that we will deal with and things that we will be unable to do. There will be times when we will not be invited to family things because of the dynamics of our situation. I need to accept that and be okay with it.
This is always a a good lesson to learn. Do not be quick to judge. I'm trying really hard to stop my immediate judgements of others because I don't know their situations. We don't know what is going on behind the scenes. Will it bother me when I get concerned looks or see shakes of the head when we are out in public and an outburst occurs? It sure will. But will I let it get me down and ruin my day? No, because I know after the outburst is over and things calm down, he will still be my loving little boy. I will never judge him. I love him very much.

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly and the Hidden

This is what I imagine the inside of Landen's head to look like...Absolutely beautiful, yet scary and unpredictable. At any moment lightning can strike and start a fire or a tornado can come out of the clouds. Such a chaotic mess yet beautiful. Hence the name of my blog.
The Good: The medication is working for Landen. He is a different kid, most of the time. He's happy, handling things much better than before. Everything isn't such a struggle anymore.
The Bad: The side effects of the meds. The nausea, the dizziness and the headaches. Its honestly a small price to pay for the good, in my opinion. He will get used to it after a couple of weeks, so I'm told.
The Ugly: Even with all the good that's going on, we are still having rages. In public places, for things that seem small. I know this is a give and won't go away but still, hard to handle. The yelling, the spitting, the hitting and throwing and the anger. Even though I've been dealing with it for years, its hard to get used to.
The Hidden: The emotional toll this is taking on me, as the mom. The one who gets to hear "I hate you, you are a terrible mom! I want you to die!" right after I've gotten a huge and a "I love you mommy". The ups and downs and twists and turns..I'm riding a roller coaster that I can't escape. I "shut off" shall I say when he rages because I know its not "him" and I try not to let it bother me. I can't let it bother me because if I did, honestly, I'd be suicidal. Does it bother me? Yes, but i don't let it show. When he's raging, I'd like to crawl under a rock. Especially if we are in public. I really need to accept that it doesn't matter what people think, let them think what they want but its still hard. The guilt and the every day wondering if I'm going to say or do something that will set him off. The heartache I feel when he's in tears calling him self a dummy and saying that he wishes he would die. At 6 years old, this is too much. I cry with him, in my heart. That's what I keep hidden. Other parents of Bipolar children will understand. You can't show all of your emotions to your child. Its too much for them.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Listening and Being Told

Tuesday was ANOTHER good day for Landen!! The changes are nothing short of miraculous in my book! No yelling, hitting, crying, punching or throwing things when he needed help erasing the "n" he wrote wrong(according to his OCD self). He is happy! I can honestly say, and it saddens me in a way, that I have NEVER seen him this happy in his life. I say it saddens me because for over 6 years this child has not been well enough to experience this! It makes me totally happy.
Another thing I'm noticing is that he's listening to directions better. "Pick up your underwear and put them by the washer, please." only came out of my mouth once and the task was completed! WHOO HOO!! I'm totally happy about that! I don't know if that will change or not but I'm not going to question it, we are just going to roll with it for now.
At school he is helping other kids learn their sight words. I'm so impressed. He is getting all his work done and helping other kids with theirs. He's not getting upset when he can't do a problem or if he messes up. He's asking for help and that is awesome!
He's being wonderful with Lily and with me and with everyone he's coming in contact with. Everyone is noticing a difference. I'm estatic! This is the child that was hiding inside him waiting to come out!
Last night I was put in my place by him. I was frustrated (Can I chalk it up to PMS?), Lily was being just plain annoying and not listening. We were playing Rock Band and lily kept talking to me. I yelled at her and told her to "shut up!" Then she dropped the guitar on her foot and started crying. I wasn't happy, I was doing lots of yelling, I will admit. Landen got very sad. I asked him what was wrong. He said "I'm sad because you are yelling too much. I don't like it when you yell." My newly found happy boy has now realized mommy's downfall..I'm a yeller.. I'm going do to my best to not yell as much..But, you know how it goes, especially with  a 3 year sometimes isn't all that easy. But for Landen's sake, I'm going to try my hardest to learn to talk calmly and not yell. It's the least he deserves.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

One Step Forward

I am marking this on the calendar! March 7th, 2011. Landen had a WONDERFUL day at school! He was in his classroom all day! He helped pass out papers, asked his teacher when he needed help instead of having a meltdown. Some may not see the importance in these things but these are HUGE steps for Landen. It was day 5 of medication also. When he came over the overpass he was all smiles, he gave me a big hug and said "I had a great day!" I was soo happy I nearly cried! He also told me "The big blue X inside me filled all the way up and exploded mommy! I'm so happy!" I teared up when he said this. I have not seen this happy child in such a very long time! He breaks it down like this: The blue X is happiness and the green X is his anger.
Yesterday was also parent-teacher conference day for us. His teacher was so excited about his day! She said he was better than he was at the beginning of the year. He was smiling all day she said. He is doing really well in school, even considering what we have been through since the beginning of the year. I'm so very thankful that he doesn't have a learning disorder on top of everything. He is at the highest reading level in her class, he has surpassed all the math addition and subtraction tests. She's moved him onto second grade ones. All in all, a very good report card!
I know this is only one day. But ONE DAY gives me HOPE. It means there is a silver lining, that things can get better. I know that they won't always be wonderful but having the continued hope that they have the potential to be better will keep me hanging on. It will help with the bad days and make the good days better.
Little steps is what he took today. Many little steps all day long to make one giant leap forward!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

A little history

I thought that I'd take a little time to give some background to those who are reading this blog to tell you how we got to this point. Lets go back, way back..Well, not really, just about 7 years back.
In early September 2003 I found out that I was pregnant. HUGE SURPRISE for me. I won't go into details but measures were taken to prevent pregnancy..Obviously, God had other plans.
My pregnancy was pretty normal, I think. Compared to my second the only difference was that he moved sooo much more than my daughter. Also when I was about 20 weeks and had an ultra sound they found a "spot" that was concerning to them. I was told that it could be nothing or it can sometimes be a sign of down syndrome or something similar. I turned down an amnio. They did another ultrasound at 28 weeks and the "spot" was gone. Other than that, everything was normal.
My world was forever changed when he was born on May 14th, 2004 at 2:43pm. He was my world. A few weeks after he was born the non stop crying started. For hours on end..into the night..My mom and I would take turns walking and shhing him..crying, crying and crying..Diagnosis: Colic.
Lets fast forward a bit..He crawled on time, walked at 13 months(on my birthday!!) and seemed like a normal baby. When he turned 2 and only said a few words, I was concerned. We found out from the ENT that his adenoids were so infected, it was affecting his hearing. So he had surgery to remove those and within two weeks started talking up a storm!
When he was about 18months or so, he started having tantrums..Which is not uncommon for kids his age. Except his lasted for over an hour most times. You couldn't calm him down, couldn't distract him like most other kids. I thought it was strange but people told me it was because he was nonverbal.
After he started talking and expressing himself better, I thought that the tantrums would get better, but they got worse. He started hitting and kicking and biting me alot..Things had to go a certain way or he would get angry. Clothes had to go on in a certain order. I walked on egg shells because I didn't want him to have a tantrum. People told me it was my fault. That I needed to discipline him. I did. I put him in time out, took things away and spanked him..nothing worked.
In Dec of 2006, I got pregnant with my daughter. Things only got worse. The tantrums, it was more like abuse. We would be sitting together reading a book or something and he would snuggle with me, then the next minute, punch me in my face! For no reason! When he was having a tantrum, anything he could throw or bite or grab, he would. You would have to hold him down while he was having a fit in order to keep things from getting broken, him hurting you or from hurting himself.I asked the doctor about this and he told me that Landen was reacting to my being pregnant. He did recommend a therapist. So we went to this this guy. He proceeded to tell me that I need to lock my son in his room while he was having a tantrum and not let him out until it was over. Well first of all, we lived in an apartment at the time and all his toys and such were in his room so that wouldn't work. Second, he hardly wanted to go into his room to sleep so if I used it as a timeout room, he'd never want to go in there! Needless to say, we didn't listen to this guys advice.
My daughter was born August 23, 2007. From the get go he wasn't a typical big brother. He didn't want to hold her(He had turned 3 in May). Didn't want anything to do with her actually. When I would nurse her, he would throw everything he could at us. He started 3 year old preschool a week after she was born. I'll never forget the words from his teacher after picking him up "Boy, he never slows down does he? He just keeps moving all the time!" Boy was she right!
**The one thing I'm forgetting to tell you is that up until this point, he has only slept through the night once in his life..He was about 5 months old at the time..He was still waking up 3-4 times a night**
He did okay in preschool but was getting more and more defiant as time went on. I was doing some research and found something called "Oppositional Defiant Disorder". Fit him to a T. I gave his teacher and my mom some handouts about it and asked what they thought. They both were like "well i see some similarities but i don't think he has this. I think he's just all boy." Oy, would I get tired of hearing that phrase!
In March or April 2008, I don't remember the exact date but I will NEVER forget it. My daughter was in her high chair eating a snack and I got Landen ready to brush his teeth. About 5 seconds after starting, I hear him growl and come darting out of the bathroom throwing things! He picked up a metal Easter basket with a plastic handle and chucked it across the room! It hit his sister square in the head! She immediately started screaming and bleeding everywhere! To the ER we went for her! It was so close to her eye and she was so tiny they didnt put stitches in it but used a glue instead. What happened while he was brushing his teeth that caused him to have an outburst like this? The water from the toothbrush dripped onto his hand and he didn't like it.
In May of 2008 we went for the kids' wellness checkups and I brought this up to the doctor. At this point, he said, I think maybe we should have someone talk to him. Yeah, you think?!?!?!
So to UNMC we went to be evaluated by a social worker. To make this long story shorter, he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD to start with. Man, my mommy instincts were sooo right!
So we began therapy. They wanted to put him on medication right away but I was against it. So we did therapy instead. I pulled him out of 4 yr old preschool because he was having too many fits and it wasnt right for him. I searched and searched for a place for him to go and low and behold our therapist suggested a place, literally right around the corner from our apartment. Behaven Day Center..specially for children with behavior problems. Boy was that an answered prayer! It took a bit but things got much easier to handle! Things weren't perfect by any means but much easier to handle. He still had many emotional ups and downs but it was easier.
In August of 2009, Landen started kindergarten, something I didn't know would happen before. It was awesome! I did start him on Ritalin for school. It truly helped him focus and do better in school. It helped tame down the hyperness. But the mood swings never went away. The doctor wanted to try to switch his "sleep meds" to something that might help his moods..BAD mistake! He was awake for over 40 HOURS..No, that's not a typo, thats 40 STRAIGHT HOURS of being awake. It was scary! Back on the sleep meds we went.
Landen made it through kindergarten with relatively no problems..A few OCD issues but those were handled quite well by the teacher. People used to give me excuses for his behavior: 1) I'm too easy on him, 2) he's reacting to the changes in his life, 3) He's just putting on a show for you...and blah blah blah sooo many more!
**I'm leaving out most of the daily "battles" because they are the same every day. Just the fighting, the mood flips from one minute to the next. The biting that would make me bleed, the hitting of the sister, the tantrums of little things, the anger if I said the wrong thing to him..this happened on a daily basis**
I brought up bipolar disorder to his doctor during this time..She told me that he had some symptoms but those were probably related to his sleep issues and that I should stop reading so much.
Then in 2010, he started 1st grade and things were going well until about Thanksgiving. Then he started having issues with transitioning and finishing a project. If he didn't have time to have it done, he would throw things on the floor and rip up his project. That has escalated into hitting his teacher and throwing things across his classroom and flipping chairs.
After fighting to get an appt with his doctor to adjust his meds, we got one. NEVER again will I wait like that! They told me that if things got too bad, I could take him to the emergency room! I DON'T THINK SO!!!  The doctor blew all of my concerns off, upped his meds and sent us on our way. They didn't work.
The next week he was in In School Suspension for hitting his teacher. We seen a new therapist at a new clinic on the 2nd of March and here we are now.
I hope this answers some of the history about Landen..If not, let me know and I can answer any other questions for you.

Here is the link for Behaven Day Center that I talked about:

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Stuck inbetween an outburst and a school system

I'm frustrated. My son has obvious needs that the school should be paying more attention to. I politely asked for a little more help for him the next few days until this new medication really gets into his system. The answer I recieved from them was "I don' think that we can do that." Why you ask? because of the fact they lack two things: a full understanding of his disorders and manpower. They just don't have the resources and abilities to work with him one on one in that school. I've heard many things from them including "have you tried spanking him?" "Does raising your voice make him listen?" "What kind of discipline do you use at home?" "We've done all we can at the school level, its time for a change at home." Wow, really?? Apparently, according to some, I'm not being a good enough mother and that is why my child NEEDS medication.
Case in point. Today in gym class, Landen was sitting right by the gym teacher doing exercises, laughing and having a good time. In the blink of an eye, his smile disappeared, he became angry, took off his shoes & socks and threw them. The gym teacher said there was no reason for it, it just happened. Welcome to Biopolar Disorder 101!! That happens...A LOT!!! Its been happening with Landen since he was two..
So, tomorrow, I'm taking a sick day(my daughter has a stomach flu and rotavirus at the same time) and I'm keep landen home with me. That way, he doesn't have to stress about school and I don't have to stress about him. I hope we survive the day.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It's Official

Well what I have thought and feared for a couple of years now has finally been said. My son has Juvenile Onset Bipolar Disorder. Its like a welcomed sucker punch to the face. Its what I've been thinking all  along but have feared the most. This is very complicated and uncommon. Only 1-2 percent of juveniles(children & adolescence) are believed to suffer from this. Think about all the children in the the US..that is not a very high number. That would be 1 out of 100 children. So in terms of my own child, I'm scared. I'm scared for his future, I'm scared for his right now. I'm scared that he will be kicked out of school before the new medicine has a chance to work.
Today we finally seen a new psych doctor. She talked with my Landen first, then me. She told me that he is definately not the typical 6 year old boy. She didn't tell me all they talked about but did say that he told her "I hate myself, I hate my life. I'm a bad kid. I do bad things. My brain tells me to. I can't stop it." What 6 year old says that?!?!?! How incredibly sad is that!
My heart aches for him. I want to make life so much better for him. He shouldn't feel the kind of pain and suffering he's feeling at 6 years old.
I'm starting this blog as a way to document things and to maybe give some insight and recieve some advice from others about Bipolar disorder in children. I know I'm not alone in this battle.